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May 11, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt & Sweet

The gig life is only getting harder in Wellington, what with the unreasonably proximate deaths of both Puppies and Mighty. However, this is by no means an indication of diminishing numbers of reasonable local acts. If anything, the longer you are in Wellington, the more likely you are to find yourself sucked into a far-from-bottomless (in that they frequently have great butts) pit of musicians who you not only admire but also know. Venue-wise, there’s still Bodega kicking around, not to mention the increasing plausibility of flat-based gigs. Hence, it is invaluable to know:

How to be cute and shirty when you’re gigging out

Aside from the obvious possibility of sleeping with any and/or all of the performing band members, there are other ways to let everyone present know that the gig life is your life. The most key feature to be aware of here is dance. Dance, as a physically poetic and pleasurable expression of the inner self, is an integral feature of any kind of cute existence, and so it is important that you master it as a skill in order to remix it (let’s not talk about that) with your best-fitting shirtiness. What you’ll need to do is just immediately forget any kind of formal dance training you’ve ever had. You need to be dancing like you never learnt which section of space your body actually inhabits. But give off vibes that say: “If you put your body near mine then I will definitely remember which section of space my body inhabits and that section of space will be all up and in and on and around you and you will like that a lot.” Dance like there’s nothing and no one in the room except the sound that is happening so much.

The one thing that you definitely must never do while at a gig is stand with your back against a wall and bob your head. This is known as ‘too much shirt not enough cute’, and the problem that you will experience if you do this is known as ‘having a shit time.’ Furthermore, do not instagram the gig (or anything, TBH). Ever. And if you actually have like a proper addiction and you will start shaking and aching if you don’t instagram something then for the love of all that is good and intimidating, just don’t put your instagramming device in front of anyone else’s eyeline. If you are at a gig and someone puts an instragramming device in your line of sight, you must smile sweetly and pose for a selfie with owner of said device. Then you must seize the device and drop it into the nearest vessel of alcohol. Congratulations. You have firmly positioned yourself in the tradition of all those adorable and terrifying who have come before you. You’re doing the gig life right.


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