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May 18, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt & Sweet

Recently, there has been a video ironically doing the rounds on Facebook, ironic because it urges people to look up from their technology and reconnect with the real world. This is false advice being fed to you by people who want you to be as miserable and unfulfilled as they are. The internet is the only place where anyone can truly be happy. In real life, you can only own about 30 cats before people start questioning your status as a Real Person. Meanwhile, on the internet, a multitude, a profusion, a plethora, a veritable deluge of cats awaits you, safe from the judging eyes of those who think that they have better things to do than spend time online. When it comes down to it, seeing as the internet is mostly comprised of cats and people who are probably Out To Get You, that pretty much makes it the supreme illustration of the cute-and-shirty brand. In light of this, all there really is to do is to make sure that your internet presence reflects both the nature of the internet and your own internal composition (this being cats and malice). Or, for the sake of low character-count:

How to keep your internet presence

First off, it is vital that you be more opinionated than everyone else on the internet. It helps if your opinions are well-worded and actually based on some of kind of relatively convincing evidence, because otherwise you are just as bad as the filth of the earth who lurk on comment sections waiting to be told how worthless their particular opinion is. Once you have your (obviously vastly superior) opinions, lay them out nicely with an appropriately attractive font and maybe a little sparkly picture or something, and then copy-and-paste them everywhere where people need to know just how much you are right and they are wrong.

Alternatively, if your opinions are not really up to scratch, you can achieve by learning The Art of the Selfie. Selfies of the internet, by the internet and for the internet are vastly different (and superior) to selfies of the smartphones, by the smartphones and for the internet. This is because internet selfie artists are open to a much wider range of possible angles, framing, lighting, and caption options. The secret of the internet selfie is to mix it up. And always sass in the caption. In fact, the secret of the internet is to always sass. Sass everywhere. Whatever you do on the internet, sprinkle it with kitten GIFs and bury sass at its core and don’t let that fucking video get to you. But if it does, bring the kittens and the sass to the real world. Do this and you win many internets. So many internets that they compound into reality. You win reality.

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