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May 11, 2014 | by  | in Opinion V.C. Guilford |
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VC Guilford

God damn it, I’m sick to bloody hell and back to the moon with all the moping I witnessed this mornin’ on the bus to varsity since my Nissan Lancer is being converted into a hybrid fit for our current envi-ment, so I gotta give you all some more life advice if ya don’t mind me doin’ so. Now it seems to me that you all seem a bit worried about feelin’ trapped and commut-ing to anything worthwhile, like you’ll wake up one day and be in a rut and regrettin’ you ever chose the path you’re on. But it’s not the bloody point now, is it? If you don’t start down at least some path you’ll never end up at the forks in the road that’ll lead you somewhere diff-rent like into the sheep station next door where you can spy on Mrs Harris rolling off her stockings through the cottage window.

Le’me give you an example: before I got to the distinguished posish I am in today, I was pursuing my dream of becoming a world-famous Tango Nuevo dancer. Then one day I fell in love with a gorgeous girl called Tina who was studying Veterinary Science. So I started studying it too, which was the deshishun which ultimately led me to becoming Vice-Chancellor of this here University. Now granted, Tina was actually a soft-skinned boy called Ted who turned out to have a med-cul condish-un that gave him pretty damn udderous man-breasts, and the only reason I got into academia was the threat of havin’ my licence revoked after trying to create a real-life version of The Sims with some reluctant hedgehogs. But that’s all irrelevant, for the fact of the matter is if I’d spent too much time worryin’ about whether a sweet-hearted Otago boy like myself could really have the talent for a bit of one-two-three-four on the dance floor, so to speak, then I’d never have discovered my true calling which turned out to be brushin’ up my lingo and learning a bit about what makes you all tick. No, I just bloody chose something and got on with it until I came to the fork in the road signposted Buenos Aries one way and cheeky hand-shandies from Tina/Ted under the desk during our Biology labs in the other direction.

I hope this has all helped you figure things out a little bit. God damn it, it tears me up to see you all diddling round the bush so badly. Lots of love. Grant.


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