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June 2, 2014 | by  | in Conspiracy Corner Opinion |
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Meet the Conspirateur

Greetings, readers. Without saying too much, recent events have conspired against me and not the other way around. There will be a lot of lies and rumours out there surrounding who I am and what I do, and I didn’t want to alienate my followers further, so I decided to lay them to rest by doing a profile on myself. This is also in no way prompted by a full disclosure order by the GCSB. So without further ado:

Full Alias: Incognito Ignoto Montoya di Cosmopolita

Former Aliases: Guy Agenda,  Straight Jack, Ghost the Illfigure, Attorney Outlaw, General Gatsby

Age: Old enough to know the truth, Dad!

Sex: Male (don’t confuse me with my sister Incognita)

Orientation: Clandestine on the Streets, Undercover in the Sheets

Job: Columnist for Salient, self-employed conspirateur and investigator of Truth

Turn-Ons: secrets, conundrums, an air of mystery to anything, free speech, revolution, taking those in power down a peg, that *ping* sound your computer makes when you crack a firewall, writing columns for the lovely free-thinking people at Salient

Turn-Offs: bureaucracy, authority, restricted content, surveillance, any and all government, cat people, mole people, reptile people, filthy casuals

Political Views: I believe mankind need not be governed.

Religious Views: CERN has the God particle held in an anti-matter containment tube, which will promptly annihilate the Earth when exposed to matter or rational thought.

Dietary preference: Freegan (hey, going through people’s trash can work up an appetite)

Relationship Status: awaiting the arrival of a robot bride in the likeness of Scarlett Johansson (or Scar-Jo Bot)

Favourite vacation spot: The Pirate Bay. Yep, it’s an actual place. I get all the rum I drink so long as I promise to seed.

Favourite movies: Stanley Kubrick’s Dr. Strangelove, Jon Amiel’s The Core and recently, Gareth Edward’s Godzilla. I’m a big documentary fan overall.

Favourite books: Freakonomics by Stephen J Dubner and Steven D Levitt, Outliers by Malcolm Gladwell, anything by David Icke.

Recent activity: Oh, you know, the usual. Looking at the chemtrail readings from my weather balloon, Feng Shui-ing my apocalypse bunker, following up on my theory of Call of Duty making teens to complacent to sign up to the army and thus achieve world peace.

Recent Deep Web searches (do I really have to put this?): 9/11 falsers, Kony 2016, does Bono actually know How to Dismantle An Atomic Bomb?, today’s Elvis sightings, reinstall Google Ultron, Community movie, competency porn

Weapon of Choice: The tone of my voice. Also a Tesla death ray.

Vehicle of Choice: Water-powered car.

Any advice for budding conspiracy theorists?: Be open to everything and attached to nothing. Never let your guard down. They are always watching. Also, tinfoil protects you from everything.

 

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