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July 20, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt & Sweet

Your weekly column on how to be annoyed but still cute

As we all know, life is a game. Being cute is a game. Being shirty is a game. The secret is to play harder than everyone else and to throw your brand victory in their faces. You’re not cute and shirty unless everyone knows you’re cute and shirty. This is why it’s vitally important to learn:

How to use games and sport to enhance your brand and destroy others

Generally speaking, the best way to enhance your brand with sport is to avoid organised exercise of any kind. It’s unhealthy and usually involves loud, indeterminate noises. Sometimes it even requires that you work with others. This is unacceptable. Teams are a lie. You are better than any team. Do not work well with others. Do not participate. Crush your rivals (anyone who is not you). If someone does confront you with the idea of exercise, check that they didn’t mean ‘exorcise’. Remind them that any activity involving demons is infinitely more valuable to society than anything that involves exertion or the destruction of a carefully constructed and maintained aesthetic. Ask this sadly disturbed person if they require you to exorcise them of the demons who might suggest such vulgarity as exercise.

If you truly are unable to avoid getting involved in a sport or game, here are some handy on-brand subversions of games and sports that you may be inadvertently exposed to.

– In the current climate, it can be difficult to avoid the subject of football. In this situation, ensure that you refer to it as ‘soccer’. This will allow you to single out the people who care about it the most. Mark these people out with various forms of paper craft. Set your personal assassins on them.

– Throughout the whole of a game of Monopoly, decry its capitalist values. But make sure you win. If necessary, have a kitten handy to distract other players while you supplement your income from the bank.

– When cornered and faced with a loss in Paper–Scissors–Rock, suddenly it’s best out of three. If you lose out of three, demand a rematch and assume a position of prayer. This beats everything else because piety is cute.

– People-watching as a game is the lesser of many many evils. It is relatively easy to turn people-watching to your advantage, as it already involves a certain level of playing at the expense of others. The key element here is to consider all the ways in which you are better than those you observe.

Above all, care about nothing. But if pressed, squirt blood from your eyes. Apparently it’s very confusing to predators, so it’s probably very confusing to competitors too.

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