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July 13, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

Where’s the best place on campus for a quickie?

If you’re a long-time follower of The Bone Zone, you may recall that earlier this year, I advised against banging on campus unless you wanted an indecent-exposure charge on your record or frostbite on your fanny. But now that we find ourselves in the very first week of semester two, with a re-orientation that pales in comparison to Otago’s, what better way to see in the new semester than by really putting the ‘O’ in Re-O Week?

So, just in time for your first week back, here’s Cupie Hoodwink’s Guide to Campus Coitus!

Kelburn: Thanks to recent cuts to tertiary funding, there are now fewer tutorials and courses at Victoria than there were five or so years ago, which means more empty tutorial rooms to bang in! Murphy, Von Zedlitz and Old Kirk are your best bets – untainted by the brush of modernisation, the tute rooms there remain small, windowless, and many.
If you’re looking for a truly scholarly schmang, however, you can’t look past the Library. Nothing screams academic amour like climaxing with one hand on your lover’s Leviathan and the other on Hobbes’. In the past, the upper floors of the Library were renowned for their fucking facilities, but since the overhaul, there are fewer floors, fewer dark spaces, and the place is crawling with builders. Thankfully, Level 0 remains just as dark and deserted as it ever was, and you can even move the stacks around to adjust the dimensions of your pleasure palace. Sure, it’s kind of creepy, and the dulcet tones of construction workers regularly waft through the space, but the library staff don’t store the ‘BJ’ collection down there for nothing now, do they?

Te Aro: Cranking out a quickie on campus may be a little harder if you’re based at Te Aro, because Design and Architecture students seem to spend every waking minute working there. That said, finding a quiet spot as close to your workspace as possible is the best way to maximise efficiency when the hand-in date looms. The photography studio is ideal: able to be booked out, pitch-black, and only accessible via swipe card – people are less likely to walk in on you, and you’ll have more time to do something about it if they do. Warned by the tell-tale *do doo do* of the swipe card, by the time they’ve managed to find the light switch you’ll be well on your way from turning man love into Man Ray.

Other options include the sick bay if you’re after a little doctor/nurse role play, or the prayer room – for a different kind of spiritual awakening. And if all else fails? Just say you’re hosting life-drawing classes – they’ll be begging you to paint them like one of your French girls in no time at all.

Pipitea: If you’re the kind of person who likes to make love surrounded by leather-bound books and the scent of rich mahogany in your nostrils, then the Law Library is just the ticket. Take your big wood to the biggest wooden building in the Southern Hemisphere, situated just across the road from Parliament – you can even wave to John Key while you’re going at it! If you think you might be into exhibitionism but aren’t quite ready for a real live audience, head on down to the public displays where you can do your dirtiest in front of ye olde time wax models. Histori-cool! While you’ll be hard-pressed to find an empty desk (let alone study room) in the lead-up to exams or assignments, you can rest assured that with the Law Ball coming up, 90 per cent of Law students will be otherwise engaged at Ruby and Country Road this week.

Over the road at Rutherford House, it may be a little harder to find a secluded spot to shag, as its layout is the epitome of open-plan. This is Victoria’s Business School, after all, and just like the market, its architecture works best when uninhibited.

Karori: Anywhere, literally anywhere on Karori Campus is suitable for a quickie. In fact, you’re more likely to have your libido killed by the sight of Karori’s bleak Soviet-style architecture than have someone walk in on you going at it in the middle of the perpetually deserted common room.

Tip of the Week:
Judging by the traffic on my ask.fm during the study break, it looks like everyone’s found their new favourite way to procrastinate. As always, I’m delighted by your correspondence and always down for all queries, big and small, on the topics of love and sexetera. That being said, I have received a number of questions over the year about specific crushes (“this girl”, “pretty smoking boy”, “my mate”), and I have to advise you that when it comes to knowing whether they wanna pash you or not, I’m about as much help as a Magic 8 Ball. Last semester, I discussed at length both crushes and friend crushes, which you can check out at salient.org.nz/category/columns/the-bone-zone, but as much I wanna help you all find love and get laid, there’s only so much this sex columnist can do. At the end of the day, sometimes you just gotta bite the bullet and ask them out xoxo

In Review:
Sextra: Blindfolds

They say love is blind, but should sex be too? I’ll admit, I was a little hesitant at first about trying blindfolds in the boudoir. If the trailer for The Conjuring is anything to go by, terrifying things can happen while you’re blindfolded, and there’s always the lingering fear that you’ll be left completely alone, naked, horny, and none the wiser.

However, it is in creating this element of vulnerability that the humble blindfold really excels. Having your partner put their trust in you to take complete control of the situation and their pleasure – or vice versa – is both empowering and sexy. Extra for experts: tie them up at the same time. Don’t try this at home: both wear blindfolds at the same time – unless you’re into playing Marco? Polo! in the nudders.

Sexual Connections:
Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs, anonymously at ask.fm/CupieHoodwink

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.

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