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July 13, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Weird Internet Shit |
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Weird Internet Shit

I don’t think it’s contentious to say that bodies, and specifically orifices, are wonderful – but fucking weird. There’s the testicle-clutchingly awkward phenomenon of ‘penis captivus’, for example, wherein a penis gets trapped inside a vagina. Then there’s the equally horrid occurrence where certain items get lodged where the sun don’t shine. Famously, Twitter user ‘@Grawly’ was gracious enough to live-tweet his ordeal when he got a vibrating dildo stuck inside his bottom, offering insights into hitherto unpenetrated territory (sorry) and the X-rays to prove it. But surely, I hear you retch, that’s a singularity! That must never happen!

Prepare to have your illusions shattered: the website ‘Rectal Foreign Bodies’, which has generated about two million page views since it went online in January 1994(!), amasses a startlingly comprehensive list of items that have had to be medically dislodged from people’s posteriors. There are a lot. Dildos and vibrators are, predictably, at the root of most of the frantic 911 calls, but not far behind are “bottle or jar” and “glass or cup”. An eclectic range of everyday items, including “axe handle”, “pool cue ball” and “baby powder can” bring, err, up the rear.

The website also contains X-rays and medical reports of how items were safely removed, some of which will come in handy as precedents, I imagine. One poor dude got a LIVE artillery shell shelved up there, and the military had to defuse it while it was still in his body before doctors could safely take it out. The site also offers tips on how to keep your bottom safe from harm, and ascertaining whether tales of anal play gone wrong are real or hoax. I guess it’s kind of gross, but it intrigues me for a couple of reasons. I love that it’s non-judgmental and not sensational, for one. The statistics and articles here are as surgically precise as the medical case studies they quote.

I’m always fascinated by the depths of human curiosity, too, and what people try in the comfort of their own home; the dark zones they’re eager to plumb (sorry again). There’s something really refreshing – even subversive – about covering the anal tract in such a neutral way. The poor anus, I would argue, is one of the last taboos. You can catch a glimpse of a vagina or a penis in even mainstream films these days, with the anus nowhere to be found. In my liberal bubble, people discuss STDs and other genital issues in offhand ways. But issues associated with the anal tract – bowel movements, gastrointestinal issues – are still considered gross beyond the pale. I’m not even being scatological here, yo – loving our bodies means loving all of them, in spite of their missteps/inability to accommodate certain items.

Also, a quick unsolicited sex lesson learnt from the site: if you’re engaging in anal play, make sure to use objects with a flared base in order to avoid discomfort. And for those of you who don’t want to be caught typing ‘Rectal Foreign Bodies’ into Google, visit:


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