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August 18, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt and Sweet

Food is, like, great. Eat it all the time. Like three times a day, even. Sometimes more. Enjoy it. Really get it all up in your gums and have fun with it. Having said this, food is not particularly inspiring. Luckily, it has been brought to my attention that this column is getting steadily more violent as the year progresses. This seems pretty on-brand, so I’ve decided to run with it.

How to escalate violence with food

In order to start small enough to escalate satisfyingly, it is necessary to begin with some low-level manipulation. Here, we examine how to make other people provide you with food. Most importantly to achieve this, one must present oneself as the most worthy of receiving gifts of food. Possible methods include pleading looks, pointed sighs and well-timed glances. Couple these with such things as readjustment of hair ribbons/bow ties and highly charged brief physical contact with the possessor of desired food items.

When you have mastered the art of coercively sourcing your food from others, you are now ready for the next stage of violent food. Using food to win fights. Probably the most common method for this is poisoned baking. Iced cupcakes, cookies and fudge tend to be the most disarming food items to be offered during a fight. You might like to try lemon cupcakes with arsenic cream-cheese icing, asbestos peanut-crunch cookies or bleach vanilla-melt fudge. In administering your poisoned baking, indicate suddenly that you are backing out of the fight and produce the baking as a peace offering. Watch your opponent devour your noxious niceties and then writhe in agony before you, defeated. Detail a watercolour of the scene as a charming memento.

Ah, you have come so far. Sustaining yourself on the food of others and defeating those foolish enough to fight you with you foody finesse. You are finally ready to tackle cooking with the blood of your enemies. (If you don’t deal well with blood but are still dedicated to the Brand, please instead look into the intersection of fatal arson and ‘craft’ circles; this may be your niche.) First up, you’ll need to learn how to safely blood-let. Definitions of ‘safe’ may vary from person to person, so you may like to try a medical degree, or simply consider a placement with your nearest grouping of friendly neighbourhood children. Ones who firmly assert the presence of cannibalism in Lord of the Flies are probably your best bet. Bonus points for children who’ve written Lord of the Flies fan fiction involving cannibalism. If you get stuck, ask a vegan/gluten-free/lactose-intolerant friend about how to practice food substitution. Substitute everything for blood.

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