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August 3, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

I like sex. I like thinking about sex, I like talking about sex, I like having sex.

This, of course, will hardly come as a surprise to you, given that I write an entire page on the topic on a weekly basis. My laptop’s search history is irreparably sullied with queries along the lines of: “Egg in vagina = bad?!” and, “Horny when you’re menstruating, normal?” My inbox is overflowing with all sorts of questions regarding things that go bump in the night. In the guise of Cupie, I am free to watch porn, read erotica, trawl sex shops and ask those in the know about circumcised dicks to my heart’s content. This is what is expected of me. I’m in the sex business, which makes sex very much my business.

Outside of this role, however, I’m nowhere near as cocksure about my love of the cock. I’m a pussy when it comes to talking about pussy. I love sex, but I don’t always feel comfortable talking about how many sexual partners I’ve had (10), how much I love one-night stands (heaps), how I like to be fucked (from behind), or how often I masturbate (on par with your average teenage boy). I love sex, but – as a woman – I don’t always feel comfortable saying so. Why? Because I love sex, and – as a woman – that puts me in great danger of being labelled a slut.

Slut-shaming – that is, shaming women* for dressing or behaving in a way that is deemed to be outside society’s sexpectations – is rife, and it is bullshit. Sure, things are a whole lot better than they were in high school, where girls would be ostracised for letting a guy go “too far” and ‘slut strings’ was common parlance for a hairstyle, but even now, friends and acquaintances will casually describe other women and their outfits as ‘slutty’, as if there’s something wrong with having sex or, God forbid, breasts.

As far as women’s liberation has come, when it comes to sex and sexuality, us girls still seem to be trapped between a whore rock and a Madonna hard place. We are told to dress in a way that is feminine and sexy, otherwise no one will look at us – but not too sexy, or we’ll get the wrong kinds of looks. We are expected to flirt and enjoy sex, otherwise we’re prudes – but not too much, or we’re sluts. And while pop culture is dripping with references to men wanking, jerking off, tugging the chain, and jizzing all over the goddamn place, mentions of female masturbation are as hard to find as the clitoris.

When courting used to revolve around local dances and balls, the young women of yesteryear were expected to wait, all dolled up in their ball gowns, to be asked to dance. Sure, no one goes to dance halls anymore, and the hems of our dresses are a whole heap shorter, but we’re still the ones waiting: waiting for some dude to grind on us in Hope Bros; waiting for someone else to deign to show an interest in us; waiting to be asked to dance, to hook up, to date, to fuck.

We shouldn’t need an excuse, or indeed, a pseudonym, in order to feel comfortable about being free and frank about our sexuality. We shouldn’t need to qualify our desires or libidos as being “like a teenage boy’s” in order to explain just how much we like sex. We need to wholeheartedly reject the idea that there’s something embarrassing about women taking control of their own pleasure; that there’s something un-feminine about women loving sex, and that there’s something ‘slutty’ about women having sex as often as, and with whoever, they damn well please.

Women, gurrrrrls, ladies, chiquitas: this starts with us. Of all the injustices women face, many of which are catalogued in the pages of this magazine, slut-shaming is one that we are guilty of perpetuating ourselves. Every time we describe an outfit as ‘slutty’, or resent a girl for getting some, we are supporting the myth that there’s something wrong with women taking control of their sex lives. And ain’t nobody got time for that.
So, if you got it, flaunt it; if you want it, go get it, and so long as you’re being safe, ain’t no shame in being a slut.

Go get ‘em,
Cupie xx

*Not just women, but especially women, and besides, this is the Women’s Issue.

Quickie of the Week:
Is belly and navel play (rubbing, kissing, licking etc) a ‘fetish’ activity or something most girls like?
Rubbing, kissing and licking all over the body – belly or otherwise – can be a great way to heighten the sensuality and excitement of a make-out session, and diffuse the focus of foreplay from simply rubbing her clit until she’s wet enough for the two of you to get down to business. However, thanks to being bombarded with messages about feminine ideals and flat stomachs, a lot of us feel incredibly sensitive about this part of our bodies, and would rather you just pretend that it simply doesn’t exist. That said, if the two of you can work through this hang-up – perhaps by starting off with some sweet little kisses rather than a full-on belly jiggle – then it can be a great way for her to see herself as the #1 hottie she really is.

Tip of the Week:
Just like your libido, the colder months can make your social life seem a little on the limp side, too. Reinvigorate both at once – host a sex-toy party! Like a Tupperware party on Viagra, sex-toy parties allow you to try and buy sex toys while you catch up with friends and enjoy some drinks and nibs in the comfort, warmth and privacy of your own home. So long as you provide the party and a private room for your guests to try the wares, D.VICE will bring the toys and one of their lovely staff to talk you through their range. And as the host, you’ll even get a free toy and discounts on your purchases. For more info, hit up dvice.co.nz/sextoyparties.

Sexual Connections:
Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs, anonymously at ask.fm/CupieHoodwink.

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.

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