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August 18, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

Whether you’re eating out or eating dick, oral sex is an absolute staple when it comes to the smorgasbord of sexual goodies. Despite this, for far too many people, giving head is also the source of a great deal of anxiety, confusion, and misguided disgust. In theory, this reaction seems pretty natural – it’s a pretty weird thing to be putting in your mouth, after all. In reality, however, going down can be the source of the most mind-blowing orgasms (especially for those of us with vaginas, who may find it harder to climax during sex).

My first attempt at a blow job was awkward, nerve-wracking, and ended abruptly when I encountered an infinitesimal drop of pre-cum and yelled, “You just came on my face!” A book-smart overachiever, I was not to be deterred, and studiously consulted Vice‘s Guide to Giving Head for tips on how to ace sucking dick. A week and numerous practices on my Pritt glue-stick later, I gave my very first (proper) blow job, under the cloak of darkness of my then-boyfriend’s coat, in the park at the end of my street.

While I’ll always be thankful to VICE for teaching me the basics, through years of practice in giving and receiving head – both good and bad – I’ve since added a thing or two to the repertoire. Just in time for the Food issue, it’s Cupie Hoodwink’s Guide to Oral Sex.

How to Eat a Bag of Dicks:

So long as you’re not screaming at the sight of a bit of pre-cum, it’s hard to go wrong when it comes to blow jobs. Use one hand to work the shaft (and if it’s uncircumcised, hold the foreskin in place) while your mouth follows your hand up and down, and you’re away laughing. After all, a penis that finds itself in a warm, wet environment is a happy one, and while being able to provide that alone will make for a great blow job, there are a few simple ways to turn eating dick into fine dining.

Getting creative with your mouth, lips and tongue not only spices up your oral, but also gives you a chance to rest your jaw as well. Once the D’s wet enough, take your mouth off completely, make a tight hole with your lips, and then slowly push it back down over el dicko. Alternatively, use your tongue to lick the tip, glans, or just up and down all over the shaft like it’s a goddamn Fruju.

While one hand’s helping your mouth to work the shaft, use your other to maximise pleasure elsewhere. The balls are a much-overlooked resource, and cupping, stroking or tickling the balls is sure to complement the hard work your mouth’s doing. If you’re game for it, licking the balls or, better yet, sucking an entire one inside your mouth while giving a hand job is sure to be received well.

Finally, when you seem to be on the home stretch to orgasm, pull out all the stops: twist your hand around the shaft as you work up and down, and push on the base of the penis – or the ‘gooch’ – with your thumb as you cup the balls in your hand. This will apply pressure to the male G-spot, the prostate, which is a one-way ticket to jizz town.

How to be a Cunning Linguist:

In the timeless debate – is it easier to give a blow job or eat pussy – the difficulty of finding the ‘target’ when it comes to cunniligus is frequently espoused by those on Team BJ. While my response to those people would be, “Have you ever experienced the pain of dick jaw?”, I will admit that the clitoris is a little more elusive than a dick and balls. To this end, using one hand to hold apart the lips will hugely improve accessibility for your oral search party. When aroused, blood flows to the clit, making it hard – which should help you locate it among the other, softer flesh.

Being a highly sensitive ball of nerve endings, the clitoris responds extremely well to any contact with a large, warm, wet tongue. This means that, once you’ve found it, half the work is done for you. What you do from here on in will depend on what she responds to best, how sore your tongue is, and how far away an orgasm seems to be. For instance, you may want to start off with some long slow licks, flattening your tongue so it covers the whole area, before getting down to business on the clit with the very tip of your tongue.

As with blow jobs, being able to competently connect your mouth with their genitalia is going to get you a solid B, but if you want to be hitting those A-grades you’re going to need to work a little harder. A great way to capitalise on the good work of your tongue is to use your fingers to stimulate her from the inside as well. Making a gentle beckoning motion with your finger(s) towards the front of the vagina (as in, towards the area where your tongue is currently doing its darndest) will ensure you get the most fingerbang for your buck – this is the G-spot, and working that while simultaneously licking the clit is a tried-and-true recipe for climax. Other extra-for-experts options include: reaching up for a cheeky nipple tweak, rubbing your hands all over her breasts and stomach, grabbing her buttocks, or even giving her butt a little stroke if she’s down with that.

Bon appetit,

Cupie xx

Quickie of the Week:

By accident I found out that nipple stimulation makes me climax. This is done through very hard pinching, rubbing, biting. Afterwards I really regret it (not the orgasm) as the skin on my nipples cracks, having a shower is HELL and hurts a lot. After this the skin peels. Is this a normal reaction?

Good work on discovering exactly what it is that makes you tick! While cracked nipples sound like no fun, don’t worry – this is a perfectly normal reaction, and one that is easily fixed! Nips, just like lips, are sensitive to weather and friction, and will dry out, crack and peel if not given an appropriate amount of TLC. (For a graphic demonstration of this, Google Image search: “marathon men with bleeding nipples”.) Fortunately, as with chapped lips, there’s an easy cure for your chapped nips, too. Applying something like Lucas’ Papaw Ointment (seriously, is there anything that magic goo can’t do?) or Vaseline beforehand will reduce friction, and whacking on some antiseptic cream and/or moisturiser every so often won’t go amiss either. And if all of that doesn’t make a difference, why not have a chat to one of the lovely doctors at Student Health? They’ll ensure you’re back on your way to nippy nirvana in no time at all xx

 

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