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September 14, 2014 | by  | in Online Only |
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Letter to the Editors

Dear So-Called-Salient,

I just saw Nicky Hager speak. Like most hardworking New Zealanders I was shocked to find out that Nicky is actually a man. But what a load of nonsense that Dirty Politics book is. At the end of the day, it’s a left-wing smear campaign designed to discredit the most creditable and popular Prime Minister we’ve ever seen in this country. I won’t mince words, Nicky Hager is a thoroughly despicable man and probably a lesbian. He dresses like a poor person, and frankly that makes me sick. How dear you report on him. How dare VUW allow him to speak. The statements he makes in his book cannot be backed up with any evidence and have been vehemently refuted by the National Party. Cameron Slater has outright denied any connection to the PM, and we should believe him. He is an honest, hardworking, sickness beneficiary who has been the subject of an attack by communists who are seemingly jealous of his close personal relationship with Hon Judith Collins.

As for that @Peace fellow. Well, he is no doubt an unemployed Maori and should be shot. I hate him. I haven’t heard the song, and I don’t plan on listening to it. It’s almost certainly linked to Nazi millionaire, Kim Dotcom and if it’s anything like his album it’s probably awful. At the end of the day, it’s a left-wing spear campaign by uneducated poor people who obviously haven’t read John Key’s brilliant biography. And what a man the PM is. His performance at last week’s debate was so good that it made me erect at times. I often spend my nights imagining the John and I rubbing each other’s bodies in foie gras. I had the pleasure of meeting the PM at a church debate in Waikanai last month. While the TV is unkind to John, in person he is a thoroughly sexy man. His poor posture and flakey skin make for some titillating mental masturbation. As I watched the PM in awe, and listened to the mellifluous sounds of his attacks on Cunliffe, I found myself nursing an embarrassing church-semi that took me back to my childhood days in Blenheim. After the debate I managed to get close enough to the PM to catch a slight whiff of the his uI saw the PM make his way to the bathroom and I seized the moment. I knew that if I didn’t my wank rolodex would hate me for life. As we stood next to each other at the urinal I noticed John glance down at my manhood. In keeping with basic bathroom etiquette I returned the favour. John’s little MP was disturbingly dry, but large and full bodied – like a good Hawke’s Bay Chardonnay. Overall I’d give it a 7/10. Standing there, just me and John and four men from the diplomatic protection squad, I couldn’t help but let out a small amount of trouser gravy on the bathroom floor. John handled this exceptionally well and I was proud of him. Without flinching, he handed me his Ermenegildo Zenga handkerchief and left with a wink. I was astounded. Like most hardworking New Zealanders, I love John Key. David Cunliffe on the other hand is a fat-faced communist who has repeatedly lied to New Zealanders. It sickens me that the media doesn’t report on his failings. He’s a poor communicator and for this reason cannot be trusted. I hate David Cunliffe. He’s poor and I wound’t be the least bit surprised to find out that he’s a Maori. Unlike John’s eight inch master piece Cunliffe sports a meagre three-incher. Which is about proportionate to his popularity, leading me to believe that Russell Norman is endowed with a disappointing tic-tac with stalinist tendencies. And it shows. Like Hager he is probably a lesbian and I doubt he could take the PM in a fight.

Happy voting.

Unfaithfully yours,
Earnest Cummingway

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About the Author ()

Salient is a magazine. Salient is a website. Salient is an institution founded in 1938 to cater to the whim and fancy of students of Victoria University. We are partly funded by VUWSA and partly by gold bullion that was discovered under a pile of old Salients from the 40's. Salient welcomes your participation in debate on all the issues that we present to you, and if you're a student of Victoria University then you're more than welcome to drop in and have tea and scones with the contributors of this little rag in our little hideaway that overlooks Wellington.

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