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September 28, 2014 | by  | in Opinion Shirt and Sweet |
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Shirt and Sweet

Justice provides a unique avenue for exploring the perfect synthesis of the sweet and the shirty. As is evident in the tradition of many superheroes, you can kick alllll the butt while also helping and supporting those in need. Thus, we will today be looking at:

How to be a successful vigilante superhero

We must start here in the same place as all great heroes have their beginning: with lycra. Your costume will be the first thing people notice about you, the first thing that makes your hero brand clear to others. It is vital that you cultivate it properly. The more metallic you can get in, the better. Dark lilac-grey is a nice place to start. And it better fit you like a skin. You will also need a cape. It will probably be best if your cape is actually a blanket, like one of those woollen ones with the silky bits around the edges. Just because, y’know. It can get cold in the dark corners of the world where evil and injustice lurk, ready to pounce on the unsuspecting. Also, flying is cold.

Write a manifesto of your personal code of ethics. Print it on nice paper and sell it at Zinefest. Cultivate a psychic connection with some kind of animal. Perhaps wolves or panthers. Use this power to summon vicious allies to you in the heat of battle and to tame pets at house parties.

You are dressed in your metallic lilac lycra suit. You have a satchel filled with your ethical-manifesto zines. Your jewellery is on point. You have your animal friends on standby. you have an app downloaded that alerts you to nearby incidents of injustice. You have three notifications. One of them is right behind you. You whip around with quite-fast-but-still-human speed. And there they are. The Injustice League. You straighten your spine, flick your cape-blanket behind you and run through your possible dramatic lines. You reject “You know what I’m sick of? People like you walking the streets of my city,” and “If you commit injustice near me again, I will sew you up through all your orifices using your fist as the needle and your arm as the thread,” in favour of “How about you come to my house, and I will serve you up a beautiful home-cooked meal followed by… justice.” It was the option with the potential for most effective use of dramatic pause, a consideration vital for your role. You are true to your word, delivering both a delicious meal and justice. You sleep deeply that night.

You awake remembering that justice is the only quantified, objective and verifiable truth outside of your own mind. You justice, therefore you are.

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