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1. The Profile:
Your collarbones are excessively prominent and you are painfully aware of this. You take the physical aspects of the female reproductive system lightly. Your reading voice is so low and silky that it makes people want to bathe in burnt coffee. Speaking of coffee, your caffeine intake and your napping are less compatible than FKA Twigs and Robert Pattinson (in that everyone is annoyed at even the vague prospect that they might work together).
Make sure that you spend a lot of money on clothes to frame your collarbones perfectly. Always employ your most ironic tone underlaid with reverence for these comments. Get into phone sales. Make much money. Quote poetry at your buyers until they cave. Mock other people for their use of leisure time. Feel secure in the knowledge that your leisure is even more leisurely than theirs.
2. The Profile:
You wilfully ignore the fact that you will only ever look at home when wearing a tennis skirt and instead wear pressed linen shorts. In neutral shades. With cropped jerseys. Your politics are suspiciously conservative. You chew on your hair, and when you were in first year, your primary defence was to make jokes about first-years more than anyone else.
Embrace the tennis skirts. Wear them with blouses. And brogues. Spend some time on the internet. Talk to your peers. Expand your understanding of ‘politics’. If you feel yourself wanting to vote right, ask someone to slap you. Employ self-deprecating humour only as indulgence, and when mocking first-years, clearly present yourself as not one.
3. The Profile:
You’re balding, you’re pasty, your gut is bigger than it used to be thanks to a variety of luscious cakes consumed regularly while out at the Rosie Café with your dear wife whose intelligence and agency you subtly undermine at every turn. You frequently yell over the top of other middle-aged men. Sometimes you present with affectations of drunkenness.
Die. Don’t get into politics.
4. The Profile:
You add people on Facebook if you’ve seen them across the room at a friend’s event. You take more than 12 items to the express lane. Sometimes you use the word ‘meow’ in txts without mentioning felines of any kind. You would have liked to be a ski instructor.
Go to the person across the room who you want to add later and make sure they have kissed your hand before you add them. Eloquently explain to everyone who protests that they are wasting more time by protesting than you are. Just mention the cats. You can still be a ski instructor, that’s fine.