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September 14, 2014 | by  | in Opinion The Bone Zone |
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The Bone Zone

Lessons I’ve Learned From Rom Coms

When I was 13, my mum decided it was high time I learnt a thing or two about the birds and the bees. Rather than using a Shortland Street sex scene to seamlessly segue into a chat about how babies are made, or wait until I was in a car travelling at high speeds down a motorway, and therefore unable to escape, to educate me on the importance of contraception, Mum played it cool. Slipping a copy of Marian Keyes’ finest piece of romantic literature, Last Chance Saloon, into my Christmas stocking that year, she cryptically added: “I figured it was time you knew.”

Within two years I’d exhausted Keyes’ entire back catalogue, worked out Sushi for Beginners had absolutely nothing to do with sashimi, and moved onto chick lit’s glamorous counterpart: the romantic comedy. And while neither of these genres had much to offer in the way of the specifics of the female anatomy, or how to put on a condom, I learned more about love and sexetera from Hollywood than I ever did from any health class…

We don’t know what’s good for us:
Have you ever looked back on previous pashes and asked yourself, “What the hell was I thinking?!” Of course you have. That’s because we humans are notoriously bad at choosing those who bring out the best in us, and really really good at digging duds instead. One need look no further than Four Weddings and a Funeral to see that if Hugh Grant knew what was good for him, he’d snap up Kristin Scott Thomas in seconds flat and leave Andie MacDowell and her big stupid hats to their own devices. A veritable king of the rom-com genre, our pal Hugh Grant really comes in handy when it comes to assessing the viability of your own relationships. This is what I like to call the Hugh Grant test. Does the apple of your eye (literally or figuratively) dance through Parliament, overwhelmed with love for you? Do they stand up for you in public, eschewing diplomatic or other kinds of relations to protect you? If so, à la Love, Actually Hugh Grant, you’ve got yourself a keeper. If, on the other hand, they make you feel like you’re never good enough, and leave you in the lurch when you’re at your most vulnerable (because you are, for example, dressed in a Playboy Bunny outfit), then just like Bridget, you gotta kick Bridget Jones’s Diary–esque Hugh Grants to the kerb.

Love happens when you least expect it:
So yeah, this is one of those shitty things your friends tell you when you haven’t had sex for so long that you wonder if you still have functional genitalia, and although it’s not at all what you want to hear when you’re convinced you may just be the human embodiment of #foreveralone, there’s a lot of truth to this statement. For some reason – let’s call it the Universe’s cruel magic – you always seem to finally get some action just as you’ve convinced yourself that your crush has fallen in love with your flirty co-worker so you go home to bake broken-heart pie (Amélie); have tragically reached the end of ten letters from your late husband and aren’t sure how you’re going to cope without his posthumous correspondence (P.S. I Love You); or when you’ve well and truly resigned yourself to being always the bridesmaid and never the bride (27 Dresses).

Friends make excellent lovers:
Fuck what the critics say: sometimes, screwing the crew is the best call you’ll ever make. Sure, if it’s a casual root you’re after, maybe look outside your friend group, but if you feel yourself falling for one of your bestest buddies, don’t be afraid to explore the possibility of changing your relationship status. If there’s anything we can take away from When Harry Met Sally, it’s that no one should have to wait through ten long years and numerous bad hairstyles to finally make it with their one true love. And even if they can’t love you in the way you want to be loved, at least your friends will always be there to dance with you at your Best Friend’s Wedding.

They love you, wobbly bits and all:
Sharing your body with someone for the first time – or indeed, any time – can be an extremely daunting experience, and it can be hard to focus on anything other than what you consider to be your own, glaringly obvious flaws. However, if Colin Firth’s hands-down-most-endearing-cinematic-moment-ever is anything to go by, chances are your boo hasn’t even noticed your “wobbly bits”, and if they have, just like Mark Darcy in Bridget Jones’s Diary, they don’t give a damn because it’s just another thing that makes you, well, you.

Tip of the Week:
Confidence goes a long way when it comes to sex, and aside from reading up on The Bone Zone and testing out the sextras therein, one of the best ways to ooze confidence in the bedroom is by investing some serious time in You. We’re all plagued by that inner critic when it comes to getting naked – the one that tells us we’re too small, too big, too hairy, too soft, too everything-the-opposite-of-sexy. While it can be hard to ignore, we mustn’t let that voice speak the loudest, or dictate our sexy time. Relish your daily nudie dash to and from the shower; check yourself out in the mirror; jiggle your tits, helicopter your dick – whatever it takes to make you love you just a little bit more. Invest big in yourself and your sexy-as-hell bod, and you’ll reap the rewards for years to come.

Sexual Connections:
Got a burning question for Cupie? Ask her about all matters of the heart… and other romantic organs, anonymously, at ask.fm/CupieHoodwink.

Got a burning sensation in your nether regions? Give Student Health a call on 463 5308, or pop in to their clinics at Kelburn and Pipitea.

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