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This installment of CBT was brought to you by How Good I Am.
CBT is hard work.
I’m walking down the steps and my mind is like your walk is wrong. Your walk is wrong, and weird. I’m walking down the steps and I’m like I am going to consider this thought and conclude that it does not deserve to inhabit my head. Stop. I’m in the library lift and my mind is like remember? My mind is like remember??? And then I am like stop. Look at how many floors there are, let’s count them. Go away. I’m eating eggs and my mind is like imagine if everyone knew how obsessed you are with yourself. I’m eating eggs and I’m like stop, terrible little thought, and I’m like wow, I’m working so well. CBT, look at me.
But now I’m waiting for the bus and my phone is dead and I have no music so my thoughts are like LOL isn’t it hilarious how you’ve spent over a year working to render your cognitive pathways less ‘distorted’ and yet sometimes you still cannot walk through a room without analysing your gait and you cannot eat eggs without considering your juvenile thirst for external recognition, and you cannot receive a message from a friend at a particular time of day without reflecting on the reasons why they may not love you this week. You cannot wait in the line at the supermarket without thinking about how boring you are. I’m trying to do CBT work but my thoughts are like it’s cute how you cannot go to sleep when you are in fact very tired as you are wondering who hates you. And my thoughts keep on coming and they are like it is hilarious how on this night you’ll probably wake up four hours later due to some infantile nightmare you had about some obviously repressed whatever memory and the next morning while you’re waiting for your coffee at a gross Mojo or somewhere you will laugh at this, because you cannot take yourself seriously. CBT, look at me. I’m thinking that CBT tells us a lot but it does not tell us how hard it is. I’m thinking this is hard work and it’s okay to not be good at it always. I’m thinking that CBT work may eventually make our heads hate themselves less but we need to remember that working on the problems in our heads should not just be the work of individuals. CBT, look at all of us.
I’m thinking now about the little room I built in my head this year that is furnished with nice thoughts about myself. I’m thinking that I’m very happy about this, because that was hard to do. I’m thinking that at the start of the year when I suggested that I should have more thoughts which are really just me singing Rihanna love-song lyrics to myself, in my head, that this was a good idea. I know that if I am going to continue work like CBT, I am going to need to know that the one I am thinking about always is me. Even if my thoughts are still sometimes bad, always I am good.
CBT is hard work.