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October 5, 2014 | by  | in Conspiracy Corner Opinion |
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Conspiracy Corner – “Final Brain-Dump”

Shortly before the magazine went to print last week, Salient received this encrypted message from Incognito Montoya. It arrived as an ordinary parcel, wrapped in a riddle wrapped in an enigma wrapped in tinfoil. The decrypted message reads as follows:

Dear Salient, eclectic readers, and whatever government schmo is tapping the website,

If you are reading this, it means they found me. The black helicopters are circling, the sensory-deprivation chamber is being prepped, and soon, I will face reprogramming, courtesy of the newly elected government (you had ONE job, citizenry!).

This is my last column as a free man, or, provided my escape route isn’t clogged, the last column I will write under this alias. But that’s a matter for another Wu-Tang name generator. These may be my last non-slogan words, and I’d like to use them to say some thanks, farewells and summations.

Firstly, to the brave men and women at Salient who risked Room 101 for printing my words: you guys were super-chill, and I have the utmost hopes for you and your careers. To the scurvy dogs at Pirate Bay: thank you for harbouring me; so long and thanks for all the rum. To El Conspirador, who still owes me a mojito. And to DJ2Spooky: you know who you are, for inspiring me to take my words to the press.

If I had to do it all again, would I have made the same decisions? I realised that partway through the year, my focus turned to clandestine facts and fancies instead of the usual fodder of lizard-men and nuclear arms bringing about Armageddon via giant scaly monsters (note to self: see shrink about a reptile dysfunction). I find there is a difference between a conspiracy and a conspiracy theory, but perhaps I’m just a hopeless semantic. You know who actually invented the term ‘conspiracy theorist’? Richard Nixon, to discredit people who talked about the all-too-real Watergate scandal. Meaning that if someone calls you a conspiracy theorist, it just means you’re on to something. So, thanks Nixon, I guess. But you’re still a Dick.

And most importantly, thank you to the readers of this column. You were the good ones. Remember, being paranoid just means you know too much about what’s actually happening. Like the Trans-Pacific Partnership. Seriously, look that shit up. Has the potential to cripple the entire country, and no amount of tinfoil is going to save you.

And there you have it. No more Games. No more Research. No more Hacking. No more Sneaking. No more Running. I say to thee, arm yourself with Knowledge for the fight to come. This could be it. Behold, my last piece of Free Will and Testimony. If they catch me.

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