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The University is taking a stand against the number one health risk to students* by refusing to budge on its totally reasonable, proportionate, and not at all patronising smoking ban.
Hiring extra security guards to escort smokers to a designated off-campus smoking area might seem ridiculous to most bipedal mammals but, as Rudyard Kipling once wrote, true moral courage can exist only in the face of mockery and scorn.
Some details still need to be worked out. It remains unclear whether the security guards will hold smokers’ hands on the way, or whether, should a smoker inhale too deeply and start coughing, the guards will pat them on the back and say “that’s a big boy now”.
Also unclear is whether the smoking pen will come with a little plastic fence, and activities to keep the naughty smokers occupied, like some blocks or a game of Pick Up Smokes.
It’s well known that O-Week concerts are family events characterised by wholesome activities like fucking randoms in the toilets. The University is right to keep dangerous substances away—God knows how many students have been rushed to emergency rooms after overindulging on Pall Malls.
As the University says: Each cigarette reduces your lifespan by 11 minutes—let’s bump it up to 15 with a four-minute commute!
*Except depression, study-related stress, a myriad of other mental health issues, alcohol, heart disease, skin cancer, restricted drugs, brostep, and alien abductions.