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March 15, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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BYOs

If you have truly fitted into uni life (but let’s face it, you have made it to the last page of Salient—so you probably haven’t), you will start to receive numerous notifications inviting you to a BYO. This week we guide you through BYOs, or as we like to call it “not being able to appreciate the best meal you’ve had since your mum’s lasagne, because alcohol has robbed you of your senses.”

You probably think that you are popular because you are one of the 52 people invited. But in actual fact, you have been invited to buy yourself dinner that you can’t afford and drink your own wine—such a generous invitation. You can bet your other left nut that it will be either a Thai restaurant or a restaurant that does Thai food, because you know what’s lacking in your hostel diet? Rice.

You will need some wine. But don’t neglect the Cindy’s—you will need them before you go if you are to complete your $9 bottle of piss with some French name you can’t pronounce written on the side. Not a great idea to Snapchat your parents the wine, you haven’t gotten more sophisticated by drinking moscato rosé when you are forced to.

At any half-decent BYO there are three things up for grabs in the social Hunger Games that is first year uni: who is first to finish their bottle (if it’s not empty before the first main arrives, then get to the kiddies’ table sunshine); who is the most embarrassingly intoxicated; and who can steal the most valuable item successfully to add to the common room kitchen (Tom’s record is a seventeenth-century serving dish that once belonged to the Qing Dynasty—half full of food too).

While BYOs are a hoot to attend, if you are the organiser then make sure you have a couple grand in overdraft to cover the people who somehow slip out without paying. Bastards. Also look out for the elderly Chinese grandmother who co-owns the restaurant, because although the manager will be rubbing their hands together at the thought of your StudyLink dollars, the wisdom that comes with being 114 years old is knowing that the captain goes down with the ship when it comes to a BYO.

Tip of the week: Don’t drink your wine too fast, or you’ll spend more time outside the restaurant then you will in it.

Happy dining,

Luke and Tom

P.S. Watch out for exploding Lindauer—that cork travels faster than the Moan Zone to the back of Salient.

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