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March 29, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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As most of you will know, the ICC Cricket World Cup is currently being played in Australia and New Zealand. NZ are doing alright for a change and have nearly converted Tom back into a fan, “nearly” being the operative word as he’s still gunning for Aussie.

We thought we would give you a rundown of what you can expect to experience at the cricket—just in case you don’t feel like giving up nine hours of your Saturday to watch New Zealand’s lazy athletes outgrow each other’s “designer stubble”. So grab your box and let’s throw balls at each other.

Whenever the Olympics roll around we suddenly pretend to care about rowing and cycling. In a similar way, whenever anyone over thirty goes to the cricket they suddenly become the bowling, batting and fielding coach—because “I was in the first XI at high school and yeah, nah, I could have carried on with it.” The only thing more lacking than their sense of modesty is the microphone they think feeds directly into the ears of every Black Cap. Luke is from England, a country that still supports its team even though they manage to out-disgrace themselves each time they perform. So he found it amusing when the whole crowd started to abuse Ross Taylor after blocking a few balls, but fair enough—he is shit.

You can expect a free back massage from the child sitting behind you. He hasn’t realised how boring the cricket actually is yet and he’s kicking with excitement. Your personal bubble will receive no acknowledgement here as the people next to you shout out to the players who apparently can hear them. I hope you brought some money. Because you will soon realise that watching the cricket actually uses more exercise than playing the game. This is mainly due to the inane nature of cricket and the need to keep “stretching your legs”. The only way to keep yourself amused is to buy Tui for $8 a plastic cup and eat rubbish food you don’t need every twenty minutes. Oh and good luck trying to use the toilet, more exposed shnags than a public swimming pool changing room.

Going to the cricket is one of the best lads’ outings you can have. Just don’t bring your girlfriend, or she will break up with you during the halftime break and your relationship will be shorter than Elliot’s innings.

Tip of the week: Don’t make your SnapStory a screenshot from the cricket on TV, everyone who cares is already watching the game and everyone else doesn’t give a shit.

See you back in the club rooms,

Tom and Luke (mainly Luke; Tom fell asleep)

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Editor's Pick

Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening