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Ormond Rich Cream

Cost: $16 (1.5L)

Alcohol Volume: 14 per cent

Pairing: Disappointing quiche and sexist wine (Pete’s Shed, read the label)

Verdict: ★★ “Makes you want to take your dentures out”

Given that a large proportion of this review was completed while sitting on the floor of a friend’s toilet, we can’t guarantee the accuracy of our conclusions. However, we can guarantee that the strength of our friendship was, much like the wine, fortified when this eternal line was uttered: “Do you wanna swap places? I’m near the toilet, are you gonna vom?”

What we were drinking was Ormond Rich Cream Fortified Wine and what were were feeling was regret. “Fortified wine” is a byword for “almost sherry” and “rich cream” means “you can get 1.5 litres for $16”. Most of the time, sherry is the exclusive domain of lonely old people who live in damp houses in Thorndon. Ever the innovators, we took it to a surprisingly dry house in Newtown and forced many, many young people to try it. Only one guest expressed a positive experience with Ormond Rich Cream by mixing it with soda water. It should be noted that her penchant for Mylanta mixed with vodka makes us question this guest’s judgement. We had difficulty finding anything else positive to say about this fortified wine apart from “alcoholic raro”, which sounds like a really great idea and you can expect to hear more of later in the year. Spoiler: alcoholic raro probably tastes like Cindy’s. Spoiler 2: Ormond Rich Cream does not taste like Cindy’s, this person was wrong and we do not respect their opinion.

Really getting into the elderly theme, we talked a lot about which veteran politicians we thought would enjoy a sly drop of Ormond Rich Cream. Annette King was brought up but quickly dismissed because she’s too fucking classy for that. Another option was Trevor Mallard, but it was quickly pointed out that he rides his bike literally everywhere and probably leads a disappointingly healthy lifestyle. The obvious, and super relevant (#forceforthenorth) answer is clearly the Rt Hon Winston Raymond Peters, who probably has a really great liquor cupboard in his office which is decked out with doilies made by his admirers.

Ormond Rich Cream: it is very cheap and readily available, but people still do not buy it. This is because it’s shit. Drink Fat Bird instead.

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

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