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March 1, 2015 | by  | in Opinion The Moan Zone |
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The Moan Zone: First World Problems with Tom and Luke

The Lifecycle of an Assignment

You’ve just been handed your first assignment, that you “didn’t know about” even though it’s been in your course outline since O-Week. You are either ecstatic about the chance to “learn” and prove to your grandma that you were right for uni, or you have just been confronted with the reality of the next three years. But for now, making a start consists of writing the due date on your free wall planner and saving a copy of the assignment to your desktop, which you will avoid making eye contact with for another two weeks.

At this stage we can begin to determine whether you are a Type Luke: methodically work away at collating resources, planning essays and arriving nicely at the deadline with time for a celebratory warm beer. Or, you are a Type Tom (normal person): start by beginning a new TV series; once that’s complete, begin the mad two-day dash to ultimately produce an assignment as good as Luke’s, finishing with a celebratory wank. Or perhaps you are like our friend, who gave new meaning to the term “start it the night before” and got in a healthy night of League of Legends and then started at 3am … but don’t worry, it didn’t have a 9am deadline, it was a 5pm deadline—GG TinyElf.

Right about now you will think you are finished—congratulations! But we’re sorry to say that you’re not. One of your new friends in your hostel has just shown you theirs and it seems to have a load of strange words in brackets throughout it. Welcome to the world of APA referencing. Gone are the days where “referencing” meant to copy and paste the url of the Wikipedia page you just plagiarised. Now it is your job to take a well-structured, readable, beautiful-looking assignment and completely ruin it with the names of a bunch of people that no one gives a shit about. Make sure you don’t screw this bit up, or you will go to jail for 100 years and work in a supermarket for the rest of your life.

Three months later, you will receive your mark. Remember that you are no longer in a class of 28 at a high school no one’s ever heard of, so don’t be upset when your assignment didn’t stand out from the other 998 doing your first-year FCOM paper.

Tip of the week: now that you are in a hostel, remember that you are with the best of the best (except if you live in Vic House). Everyone is going to get high grades—don’t worry, your mum still thinks you’re special.

Hugs and kisses,
(Luke, Tom. 2015)

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Editor's Pick

Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening