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Zubrowka Bison Grass Vodka

Cost: $22

Alcohol Volume: 40%

Pairing: Hellers pre-cooked sausages, Pam’s bread, homemade caramelised onions, $3.50 chicken wings from New World

Verdict: ★★★½ “It would go very well with a Creamy Mayo Cheeseburger.”*

As radical (drunk) lefties, we like to think challenging authority is in our nature. With that in mind, we jumped when the opportunity came along to review a drink banned in several countries. This drink, Zubrowka Bison Grass Vodka, caught our eye after spending a long time in Discount Liquor on Dixon Street, also known as the best liquor shop in Wellington.**

Zubrowka is a mysterious drink both in its blood-thinning properties and the inexplicable piece of floating grass in the bottle. However, it should be noted that Lydia fell over during the night and bled very normally thank you very much. Colour-wise, it was variously described as “pretty hydrated piss” and “God why is the vodka green?” Reviewer and guest alike were enamoured with the very cute bison on the front and henceforth resolved to buy only animal-themed drinks.

Being sticklers for authenticity we decided to first try it on the not-rocks, which is our way of saying that we drank it straight and warm from mugs. Having a series of guest contributors for this review, the range of opinions on this tasting was as wide as the range of actions that might seem appropriate to you after drinking this. Needless to say, we all took swigs and did a lot of dramatic choking for the benefit of the recording. Drinking Zubrowka was an interesting experience in that it seemed more vapour than drink. Complaints include burning, uncomfortable sensations in eyes, and plain disgust.

Never ones to be deterred, we next tried Zubrowka in a very traditional Polish cocktail which involved mixing it with Fresh Up Crispy Green Apple juice. This iteration of the drink is variously known as a “Polish Kiss” and “Frisky Bison”, both of which are excellent names for strip clubs and/or your first born. To our incredibly refined palettes, it tasted like apple pie. Which isn’t surprising given that we mixed it with fucking apple juice, we’re just not that creative.

At the end of the day, Zubrowka Bison Grass Vodka on the (not) rocks is uncomfortable. However, add a little apple juice and you’re on your way. Na zdrowie!

* Author’s note: Burger King, please sponsor us.

** Author’s note: Discount Liquor, please sponsor us.

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

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