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April 27, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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Are We a Thing? Part 1

For centuries, Freshers have been asking themselves and their new best friend (closest person of the same gender next to their room) “Are We a Thing?” It has often been said that in high school it’s “how long do you have to date before you can mate?” and at uni it’s “how long do you have to mate before you can date?” Well however true that may be, (our mums probably read this, so we aren’t going to subscribe to it being overly truthful, at least not with honourable young men like ourselves), we thought we would help shed some light on the relationship you don’t actually have with that person in your hostel everyone knows you like.

The first year of uni and hostel life is a lot like The Hunger Games—everyone is out to get someone else and I still can’t work out if Jennifer Lawrence is hot. The stress of year 13 and mad girlfriends makes something internal snap and the most plausible remedy is to “get with” as many people as possible. Although this desire keeps deep the pockets of the crew at Famous and Dixon St Liquor, we are still yet to know if it is healthy.

The person you now like is probably that one who talked to you during O-ath Week when you were all drinking, but you thought you could do better. Now we are half way through the tri, and you have come to your senses. You know they are the man, but now (unlike you) they are actually studying on a Friday night and all you can do is tell them to “come out” as you awkwardly sip a warm can of Cindy’s in their doorway.

We will revisit the situation in a later issue. For now—if you are wanting to secure a sure “thing” later on in the year, when you know she’s no longer “really busy” with assignments—you need to follow a few basic steps.

Tip of the week—Extended Edition:

It’s not O-ath Week anymore. Which means you can no longer get with randoms in town and it be “funny” now—it’s kind of weird. Chances are you live in the same hostel as them, so for goodness sake don’t be forever texting them, the occasional Snapchat is fine. Get friendly with their friends. It’s not just him or her you have to impress, it’s all of their friends—which is probably their entire floor, good luck.

That’s all for now, your wingmen,

Luke and Tom

P.S. Like and share our Facebook page for a chance to win your share of absolutely nothing.

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening