There can be no argument that foreign drivers currently pose the greatest threat to the safety and well-being of Ordinary New Zealanders—prompting many to ask how many young, beautiful families must be massacred before something is done to stop the latest tyranny to befall our nation’s roads. Some commentators may draw parallels with the Great Asian Driver Crisis of the early 2000s, but the threat we now face is far, far greater. Keen observers will note that while Asian drivers are generally a timid bunch and avoid anything north of a 70kph speed limit, foreign drivers have no qualms about blazing a trail of fear and destruction on the open road at a brisk 105kph.
Only the rise of Islamic State can come close to emulating such levels of terror. Recently I have found myself in an unbearable panic upon leaving my armoured compound in the morning. The sight of Black Flag fly spray is enough to provoke an onset of violent fits, and I am reduced shopping in the fly-infested but otherwise peaceful aisles of my local organic food store. I’m safe there—but for how long?
However severe a reaction ISIS may provoke, I can’t bring myself to unreservedly condemn its actions. A hero is only as good as its corresponding villain, and only Islamic State’s barbarism and enviable production values can truly demonstrate the inalienable righteousness of the Western way. No doubt some of us recall capital punishment’s glory days fondly, and can only look on in concealed admiration every time a beheading leads the six o’clock news.
None the less, popular discontent dictates that ISIS must be destroyed. Not being one to rub against the grain of the mob, I propose a typically elegant solution to the two greatest national security threats our country faces.
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We must deploy foreign drivers to Iraq.
It’s a small wonder that the ever-pragmatic Key Government has not thought of this earlier. Our brave soldiers are far too valuable to be risked in situations where they may be exposed to extremes of weather or other people with guns. All are strong, many are good looking, and they have impeccable manners. Their continued existence is the only thing stopping society from descending into an inescapable moral abyss—their safety must be paramount.
Foreign drivers, on the other hand, are tossers, in spite of their martial-esque commitment to a very particular manner of dress which makes it that much easier to avoid the pricks. They are also ruthlessly efficient merchants of death, bound by no moral code or respect for the sanctity of life, which presumably makes for a fair fight against the likes of Islamic State.
Some may argue the finer legal points here, but I won’t be moved. If ISIS won’t succumb to political correctness, then why the hell should we? It takes two to make an accident, as a writer once mused, and I’ll defend to the death the right for Ordinary New Zealanders to engage in up to half a car crash’s worth of behaviour over any trumped-up legal nicety espoused by the do-gooders of our justice system.
All this, admittedly, does not account for the possibility that foreign drivers are in fact members of ISIS themselves, a portion of the disaffected youths taken in by Islamic State’s slick recruitment videos and sexy heaven virgins. In this case, both they and the jihad-loving freaks who supply them with vehicles should be shot on sight and have their bodies draped over road signs as fair warning to other would-be wackos.
Love Hertz? I don’t think so, terrorists.