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Lindauer Brut Cuvée

Cost: $10 (750ml)

Alcohol volume: 12 per cent (7.1 standards)

Pairing: Apple martinis, a BBQ Bacon Rodeo Burger, debilitating heartburn.

At long last, tonight was the night. Loyal readers will long remember the ever-present tensions that exist between the reviewers about one of New Zealand’s finest exports, Lindauer. Less of a review and more of a fight, our friendship almost ended the evening we decided to opine about Lindauer. So, let us present Lindauer: A Reviewing Partnership Divided.

Mitch: 3.5 stars

I don’t really have a bad thing to say about Lindauer. It doesn’t rate with that bottle of Moët that your parents guilt-gifted you that one Christmas, or that bottle of Veuve you knocked back (from the bottle) on Chow #datenight, but it’s okay. Other reviewers will try to lie to you by saying that this is one of New Zealand’s finest exports or suitable for any occasion. Dear readers, I am asking you to ignore this (albeit optimistic) lie.

My first impression of Lindauer was that it just tasted like shitty sparkling white wine, which, by definition, is almost exactly what it is. While I must commend Lindauer for its ability to pair well with a BBQ Bacon Rodeo Cheeseburger*, it should forever be referred to as the Fat Bird of sparkling wines. In summary, if you, like me, can’t afford fancy French champagne on occasions where it’s not given to you out of pity, Lindauer is an okay alternative.

* Author’s note: BK, we’re still waiting to hear from you

Lydia: 5 stars

Lindauer is the tits and if you disagree you’re classist and probably hate New Zealand. I want to be clear here that Lindauer is objectively a bloody nice drop, my otherwise low standards aside. It even comes in fraise/strawberry (thanks, inexplicable French minor!) and I have never been presented with a compelling argument as to why that is a negative.

One of the most appealing attributes of ol’ Lindy is its ability to transcend imaginary party castes. Horrendous engagement party for Christian friends? Lindauer is appropriate. Regrettable flat party in Brooklyn that was so not worth the Uber? Lindauer is appropriate. Tough Tuesday? Lindauer is appropriate. With a flavour profile of “nice and good”, Lindauer deserves every award it has ever received including “Lydia’s Fave”. When everyone is ready to come around to the fact that human achievement peaked with this drink, I will be here waiting. Bottoms up.

Bibliography:

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