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House Wine at Ivy

Cost: $5 a glass
Alcohol Volume: Look, it’s complicated.
Pairing: Unrelenting rage, tequila.
Verdict: ★★★★ “This wine is getting better as it is being imbued with Jesus’ support for me.”

Loyal readers, we’re scraping the bottom of the barrel. This week, we’re reviewing a wine we bought at a bar several weeks ago. While indulging in some mid-week drinking, we paid a visit to our nearest on-licence, which happens to be Wellington’s pumping gay bar for the under-30s, and purchased a glass (or four) of their house Sauvignon Blanc. Despite Lydia getting lost on her way to the bathroom and ending up in an outside smoking area (it’s okay, she was new there), our biggest surprise of the night was that the wine wasn’t that bad.

If we’re honest, we didn’t have high hopes for a $5 glass of wine. We have nothing against house wine, we have just been let down too many times before. But this time was different. This unnamed wine was “surprisingly palatable” and went nicely with the tequila shots a mutual friend was blowing her “huge fucking tax refund” on. In order to truly do justice to “You Oughta Know” by Alanis Morissette, we needed more wine, and of course we opted for the house sauv. The impossibly friendly barkeeps provided us with our much needed sustenance, and all was well.

Except for the karaoke. Now, if you know us, you’d know that we live for karaoke. Most of the recordings for this column are recorded in or before going to a karaoke restaurant. However, the masturbatory show we were exposed to wasn’t the most pleasant example of someone belting out 90s bangers at a gay bar after two bottles of wine on a Wednesday night.

Instead of us inevitably singing “Islands in the Stream” by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers (which is a good fucking song, look it up freshers), we faced something quite confronting: an ode to Jesus in the form of “You Raise Me Up” by Westlife sung by a dude who was alone and uncomfortably into that song. The performance was confusingly biblical and may have inspired Lydia to return to her Catholic roots.

The moral of the story is that you should always at least try the house wine and NEVER sing sad, sad karaoke songs alone. If you have to belt out heartbreak ballads, get a private room at K-Zone.

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