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Japanese Sake

Cost: $6
Alcohol Volume: 13.5% (1.5 standard drinks)
Pairing: Weird chips, chicken sandwich with too much aioli, too much cider
Verdict: ½ “It’s like it went down the wrong hole but it didn’t.”

With perhaps the most visceral response any of our alcohols have ever received, we’re just not sure we drank Sake right. We bought a very small bottle but abandoned it after no more than a few sips so we could turn to dramatically coughing and slugging back restorative Scrumpy. Are you supposed to mix it with something? Is it really just a test? Should we do more research than “this bottle looks funny”? The answer to all these questions is probably yes, but our verdict remains unchanged: we did not enjoy this.

Completely at odds with the sour bullshit inside, the Sake bottle was cute and circular and featured a cherry blossom. At $6 it was too expensive and New World remains terrible. Doing our due diligence, we did a quick google of Sake and discovered that its fermentation process is more similar to that of beer than wine. However, as was pointed out, “it doesn’t taste like beer though, it tastes like shit”. To be fair to Sake, it wasn’t necessarily the case that it had a bad flavour profile. Our objection was more rooted in the fact that it tasted both hot and cold at the same time and produced more retching than is strictly necessary.

Like the troupers we are, we continued to take wee sippies followed by big regrets. As the spluttering subsided, we took a moment to revel in someone else’s victory. Despite that someone being a bit of a dick, as supporters of a political party that hasn’t been very successful since (arguably) 2002 we have to take our wins wherever we can. And this time around, it was in Northland. Granddaddy Winston won, National lost, Steven Joyce cried, we were sauced. We want to take pains to point out that we’re not really fans of Winny but good God did we enjoy seeing someone else lose for a change.

At the end of the day, we were disappointed. Sake was a drink as successful as Bill English is at achieving a budget surplus. We made a mistake and while we definitely can’t promise not to do it again, we do this for you.

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening