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uni students
May 24, 2015 | by  | in Features |
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The definitive ranking of (some) students from (some) NZ tertiary institutions

The AUT Children of Privilege

These characters can be spotted from a mile away, more often than not sporting black skinnies, a fluffy jumper, Roshes, and dripping in Karen Walker jewellery. They still live at home with Mummy and Daddy on the Shore and have enough Instagram followers to make you wonder what you’re doing wrong in life. They’re sickeningly sweet when you get them alone (I put this down to the fact that the uni is undoubtedly 95 per cent public relations majors), but become incredibly intimidating when travelling in a pack (think Regina George pre-getting hit by the school bus in Mean Girls). They’ve seen the world, but their cultural immersion went no further than the Eiffel Tower and Euro Disney. They down bottles of Moët in the same manner that we would an $8 bottle of Passion Pop, and dedicate their nights to harassing the DJ for one just more Nicki Minaj song—they’re as basic as they come.

Conversational skills: 0/25
Style: 20/25
Worldliness: 10/25
Rowdiness: 16/25
Total: 46/100

The Alty Otago Pissheads

These students are best known for their beer-guzzling abilities and their undying love for “spinning yarns”. Their weekends start on a Wednesday and finish when the hangover finally subsides sometime around midday Monday. Appearance-wise, they’re almost so alternative that if they lived in any other part of the country they’d be teetering on the edge of homelessness. They had pioneered the man-bun long before any of us knew who Matt Corby was and work the David Bain jersey like no others. They’re also the future faces of our medical profession, who seemed to have conveniently skimmed over the first year health sci lecture where they drum into you the fact that alcohol is a group 1 carcinogen. Classic. Always down for a good time, they’re the friends you visit for the weekend, but not a day longer. Yes, it is tempting to just let the good times roll, but you do not want to be anywhere near these guys the night before an exam—complete and utter carnage. ‘Nuff said.

Conversational skills: 25/25
Style: 16/25
Worldliness: 14/25
Rowdiness: 25/25
Total: 80/100

The UC Copycats

Despite UC being a pretty big campus, there is very much a small-town feel about it—something that becomes particularly noticeable when there is gossip to be spread. I feel for these students. They’re like that cousin your parents made you hang out with at school because they didn’t have that many friends. Always just a fraction behind the hottest trends and lacking originality, you can expect to see a lot of students who look as though they fell right out of a Glassons or Hallensteins lookbook. They also live in an absolute shit of a city, there’s just nothing to do (I can say this because I’m from there). They literally have no choice but to drink away the weekends. On a more positive note, if an endless supply of logical, rational, sometimes boring engineering students is what your heart yearns for, I highly recommend enrolling for the July intake—they’re everywhere.

Conversational skills: 13/25
Style: 15/25
Worldliness: 15/25
Rowdiness: 20/25
Total: 63/100

The Community College Kids

Ahhhh, the community college students, bless ‘em. In all seriousness, where would we be without them? I wouldn’t last two hours on a building site, let alone the majority of my adult life. You can always count on these guys to come out with the most whack, yet strangely brilliant ideas. I’ve heard some of the most logical legislative proposals from people attending polytech—after all, they’ve probably been flatting since they were 16 so they know a thing or two about life. These kids will often be seen sporting the likes of coloured uggs, Monster Energy snapbacks, and the greatest garment to ever come out of Supré—jeggings. They aren’t as rowdy as us uni students, primarily because they did most of their partying long before we’d even had our first taste of a raspberry cruiser. But what they lack in style, they make up for by being predominantly good humans… With the exception of when they’re out polluting the ozone layer in their modified Nissan Skylines. Naughty students.

Conversational skills: 18/25
Style: 10/25
Worldliness: 15/25
Rowdiness: 8/25
Total: 51/100

The Lincoln Sheep Shaggers

Visiting Lincoln University is a real must-do as far as NZ tertiary institutes are concerned. The way the exceptionally beautiful landscape juxtaposes with the sea of stubbies and wife-beaters is a real treat. Red Band gumboots are a mandatory course requirement, as is a “can-do” Kiwi attitude. In regard to their conversation, you’d probably be pleasantly surprised. Farmers aren’t rich by chance. The successful ones all have one thing in common—keen business minds. So if you enjoy discussing important businessy things like the economy and whether or not you should get a piece of the sharemilking market, then you’ll love these guys (literally, so many guys, very little oestrogen flying around there). They may not have travelled the world, but they’re probably far more tapped into it than most BCom students. Their free time consists of a lot of rugby and a lot of sitting around drinking godawful Double Browns. If we’re thinking inside the gender norm boxes here, there couldn’t be a manlier campus. Lots of chest hair, lots of sweat, and not nearly enough opening windows.

Conversational skills: 17/25
Style: 5/25
Worldliness: 21/25
Rowdiness: 23/25
Total: 66/100

The Massey Hipsters

What the Otago alty kids would look like if they were predominantly female and didn’t spend all of their spare change on piss. They’re almost so cool it’s intimidating, but in an intelligent and almost philosophical way, not in the way that the girls of AUT are (I put this down to the oversized spectacles they picked up from the Sallies for 50c). If you know anything about design, they’re not half bad to converse with. On the contrary, if you struggle to wrap your head around anything even remotely abstract, it will be a sufficiently underwhelming experience and keeping your eyes open will suddenly become 10 times more difficult. They’re rowdy, but in a low-key way that leaves them with their dignity somewhat more intact than the rest of us come Sunday morning—perhaps a positive side-effect of coming down from things other than alcohol. Can be summed up by saying they look a lot cooler than they actually are.

Conversational skills: 12/25
Style: 20/25
Worldliness: 19/25
Rowdiness: 17/25
Total: 68/100

The Victoria Elitists

No need to review us because we’re obviously superior and all others are mere peasants… I also don’t want to be burned at the stake for any trauma I may impart on the sensitive souls among us.

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