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May 24, 2015 | by  | in Features |
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The Poo Review

The best places to take a dump on campus

We begin the spans of our lives as helpless, yowling, crying, shitting menaces. We don’t really evolve from this stage of infancy so much as learn to hide our true selves better. So, as appallingly biological as it is, even as “mature” “adults” we still shit, crap, poo, void our bowels, excrete stools, drop ass apples and brown bombs; most of us on a daily basis—though depending on your metabolism, anything from twice a day to once every three days is healthy.

For some people, having bowel movements is a source of shame or a thing they only feel comfortable doing in the privacy of their own bathroom (or bedroom, I guess, though I hope not for obvious hygiene reasons). There’s even a term for it: parcopresis, otherwise known as “Safe Toilet Syndrome” or the adorable “shy bowel”. But no matter how many prunes you eat or how “regular” you are, chances are that at some stage of your university experience you’ll need to take a poo on campus. For those of you with more spastic colons, this is doubly true.

You really needn’t fear. Bodies are bodies, and they create and discard malodorous substances from time to time and this is Fine and Good. Pooing is just something else in the long line of things that bodies just do. Treat it with ambivalence, or even pleasure. That hearty release feels gooood. It’s a chance for two to 20 minutes to yourself, and it’s been scientifically proven that reading on the toilet is at least twice as good reading anywhere else.

But, for those of you still a bit worried, I’ve compiled a list of places to poo on campus and how they rank in terms of privacy and amenities. You might want to explore all the facilities on offer, or you might pick a favourite toilet and steadfastly refuse to be caught with your pants down in any other. Both curiosity and loyalty are virtues.

I’ve just received a call from the VUWSA sewerage advisors who have told me that that’s enough shit out of me for one article (this joke was very hard to manure facture, I’ll have you know) so all I’ll say is that I hope that this article turns your year into an anus mirabilis. Catch you later defecators.


The Library—First of all, it should go without saying that the bathrooms on Levels One and Two are for Emergency Use Only. Murphy’s Law being what it is, you’re guaranteed to run into someone you know en route and make chit-chat while you desperately try and stop that fart from seeping out. The toilets attract thoroughfare and don’t offer much privacy, and the facilities are so heavily used the ambience is grotty as. The rest of the libraries bathrooms are much the same, albeit on a smaller scale. HOWEVER. Those major-hoppers/post-grads/endless-course-repeaters among you might remember the days when the library had an accessible Level 9. The facilities there were without doubt the best in the entire university. They were situated down a secluded corridor, were never—never—occupied, had a warm tap with perfect pressure and beautifully smelling soap. This idyll could exist still; alas I lack the fortitude and courage to press 9 on the elevator. If any braver soul out there wants to hazard disparaging looks from the I.T. department, please report back. Seriously. I need to know.

The Toilets near Maki Mono—Absolutely brilliant at night and during the evening, when they are weirdly un-used. They are also the most consistently maintained and cleaned bathrooms on campus, so you’re guaranteed at least a modicum of comfort. During the day though? Peak foot traffic. There are even Queues. Pick your time adroitly.

The Toilets on the Hunter Lounge Balcony—Perpetually saturated, both with food traffic and miscellaneous liquids. Drunk pissers are sloppy pissers. Stick to Number Ones and don’t touch anything.

The Toilets in your faculty—usually used by people nipping in during tutorials, or by your lecturers. This being the case, I recommend playing it safe and using the bathrooms in a building you don’t study at. Plus you can aggressively leave a mess to let them know how you feel about those snobby Phil majors / insufferably stodgy Bio students! (Don’t do this. The cleaners at Vic do heroic work; don’t you dare disrespect them by making their job harder than it needs to be.)

The Mysterious Toilets Somewhere In Old Kirk That Appeared To Me Once As If In A Dream—somewhere in Old Kirk there is the most lush toilet on campus, with palm fronds, gloriously hot water, tiled walls, toilet bowls of la-z-boy quality. The overwhelming sense was perfect tranquility; no soul dared trespass and interrupt my doings with their presence, and I left not just refreshed and a kilo lighter but entirely changed. I cannot remember for the life of me where it is; perhaps it was like the Room of Requirement in Harry Potter, perhaps it never existed at all. All I know is that one glorious poo I took there made all the discomforting ones worthwhile.

The Toilets Near The Overbridge—constant student milling and profoundly permeable walls—as many public masturbators have learnt to their consternation (about five posts a year on Overheard point them out)—make this perhaps the least desirable pooping place on campus. Unbuckle your belt elsewhere.

Karori Campus—At this stage you could shit in the middle of a lecture hall and it would enhance the value of the place in the university’s eyes. At least, they’d reason, they could send it Bio or Chem’s way to sample. Go wild.

Architecture Campus—I am reliably informed that the once-excellent facilities, replete with showers and shaving soap, have been closed in the name of construction—leaving only a windowless glorified port-a-loo facility in its wake. Risk getting run over and hit up Subway—well, as long as you’ve been eating fresh.

Law/Commerce Pipitea Campus—I can only presume that the toilets are made of gold, the bowls encrusted not with skid marks but 24-carat diamond, as befitting the legacy of the most noble, financially rewarding professions. Unfortunately demand exceeds supply, probably because Law and Commerce students shit out of their mouths as well as their anuses. In these cases, fortunately, The Railway Station is a brisk “oh God am I going to make it” walk away. As Hermione circa Order of the Phoenix would have done well to note, sometimes it’s easiest to be covert in crowds.

The Toilets Outside Student Health—These toilets are ideally situated for the diarrhea-ing, vomiting unfortunates to make a quick dash, but are otherwise relatively unused. The good news, if you feel a particularly dank dump brewing, is that these toilets have seen and heard everything, and that the ill are in no position to judge your bodily emissions. Bizarrely they’re one of the few—if not the only—bathroom(s) on campus that don’t have hot water. Sometimes they don’t even have soap, or if they do they have that archaic hand-soap that smells offensively bland. Way to keep things hygienic team. If that doesn’t faze you, however, this could be set of shitters for you.

The Salient Office Toilets—Sublime. That they’re sequestered away and unfrequented is advantage enough, but did you know that our toilet seats are warmed by nothing but the finest New Zealand buck hair? That we have bejeweled toilet seats? A bidet and three-ply toilet paper, or feathers if you prefer? That we hire a staffer to enthusiastically administer a hot towel shave and brew you coffee once you finish your business? Now you know. Fucking write for us already.

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