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Hi, Tom here. I’m starting the first paragraph alone because Luke just left the room because we both think he just shat himself. There’s something dead living up there and it’s not his sense of humour; who knows where the fuck that is. Anyway, we thought that it was time we reflect on our performance to date—by giving ourselves a taste of our own medicine and walking a mile in Vic House’s shoes. (Do they even have shoes? Who knows.)
Moan Zone Truths:
Our issue is due each Monday morning at 9am, so guess when we start it? That’s right—Sunday night, because as you have probably learned, your best work comes when you are sitting in your own filth, hunched over a laptop, trying to bullshit your way to the word count the night before it’s due.
Like many other great writers, we contribute to Salient each week for a generous compensation of $0.00, tax included. However, we do get maternity leave—Tom needs it often with the amount of Salient groupies he porks. That right, you read porks.
The Moan Zone is written from a secret location, also known as our flat. Which means we can write it naked, but it also means we miss out on vital info, like the theme of the issue for the following week. Which has resulted in an insensitive Nazi joke being included in our column during the War issue. Which was not all reich.
By now you will be all too aware of our fondness of the beloved Vic House. The truth is though, neither of us has ever been inside its faded wooden walls. (Thank goodness.) But hey, who’s really counting?
We used to have cool, relevant graphics which matched our topic, now we just have “happy hands” and snap backs. We aren’t complaining though. Luke thinks he’s a painter, but it has been said that some of his work looks those awful paintings that were being sold on Vic deals last week, mainly to blind people. So we couldn’t do any better.
Our first addition to Salient was in Oath week last year; we received the coveted letter of the week. However, we never claimed our free coffee (which we see, due to the rising inflation rate, is now two coffees and a $10 book voucher). So how about you guys write some decent letters for a change—there’s a reason why letters are at the back of Salient now.
We didn’t have any ideas this week, obviously, so stop ignoring us on Facebook already. Hit us up with anything, literally anything. Thank you for sticking with us, we need all the fans we can get—mainly because our flatmates don’t even read our column.
Right, that should do it.
Love Tom and Luke
P.S. Luke didn’t shit himself, but he admits it was close.