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July 12, 2015 | by  | in Ask Agatha |
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Ask Agatha

Hi Agatha,

My best friend and I used to be really close and hang out all the time, but now she is finding people who are more like her and I’m becoming super jealous. We used to share everything with each other but now she’s being way more distant as she spends time with her other friends. I don’t want to start an argument and push her further away, but how can I deal with her drifting?

–Fallopian Friends

Hi there FF,

You know what they say—the person who cares the least in the relationship is the one who holds all the power. If this were your love life, you could invest in a side-bae. Someone who you could have fun with, but could also treat pretty abominably compared to your main squeeze.

In your friendship relationship, I think you need to invest in a side-BFF to emotionally dump on before you dump them like day-old sushi.

Get it out of your system and come back to your gal pal with a new lease of life. As always, avoid honest communication.

Good luck with your burner friend,

Auntie Agatha

Hi Agatha,

I think I’m developing a coffee addiction. I’m spending all my money on takeaway coffee and can’t function in the morning or the afternoon without it. At this rate, I’ll be buying flat whites instead of making rent, help!

–Java Junkie

Nice to hear from you JJ,

As a fellow chaser of the caffeine dragon, I think you should just lean into the addiction. You know what they say—when you’re sliding on black ice, steer into the crash.

First of all, you should start investing in home-brew options. Find what suits you for the amount of caffeine you require and the time you have available in the morning. Perhaps you need a stovetop espresso, or a French press. Maybe even go balls out and get some pour over mechanisms. The first step of accepting addiction is deciding how you’re going to continue to feed it for the rest of your life.

Secondly, when you find yourself hankering some of the dark demon away from home, you should consider looking to bottomless filter coffee. This is where you will make your money count. Sit in a café that offers this from dawn till dusk and they’ll be obliged to top you up. Usually just for a reasonable $4.

Good luck with your dark and steamy urges,

Auntie Agatha

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