Let’s do something which, if you went to a school like we did, was brought up in assembly at least three times a week. So log on and let us talk about Mark Zuckerburg’s little semen child, Facebook. It seems that the current Facebook climate consists of a bunch of shit smeared across our news feeds, like those of the toilets so eloquently discussed in Salient a few weeks ago. Here are the worst offenders:
Ridiculous videos. You haven’t liked the page or the video, yet it’s there, and it doesn’t even possess the dignity to wait till you ask it to play it. Before you know it, you are subjected to something that makes you feel less likely to get a job and be successful, just for having watched it. If I wanted to browse through soft porn without closing my door, I’d be on YouTube. Hold on. We just saw a girl (whom my dad would describe as a “salad-dodger”) do a cartwheel and expose what was probably her arse. So it ain’t all bad.
Uni has managed to take over your happiness and your bank account, and now it’s got Facebook too. Every second post is someone selling a half-used condom or looking to buy “some green” on Vic Deals. We bet you didn’t think half your uni learning would come from the MGMT101 2015 page, and when it does it’s great. But more often than not, it’s someone asking how they should staple their assignment, or telling everyone how hard they are for starting their assignment—the night before it’s due. If I wanted to read a couple of idiots talking rubbish about how much they know, I’d read the Moan Zone.
You know that you are proper friends with those other people on your floor when they start digging up old photos with only a spade and a Like button. Although it kinda seems strange that your new “friends” are trying to latch onto your past, just go with it and get some fresh likes. Another way to pick up some unwanted attention, likes and comments is to befriend someone of the opposite sex. Much banter has been enjoyed and endured. Here are some of our favourites:
“Is this the girl bro?”
“Get in there”
or a simple tag of another person of the same gender followed by “… thoughts?”
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Tip of the week: Facebook stalking is still the most reliable method of working out if someone is hot, but filters can be deceiving.
Poke us on Facebook, or in Famous.
Luke and Tom
P.S. It’s not official until it’s Facebook official—it’s definitely a Hight point in a relationship.