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July 19, 2015 | by  | in Fashion |
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Puffer Jackets

I have a lot of very strong feelings about puffer jackets. As in, I would rather light myself on fire in a desperate plea for warmth than be seen dead (which obviously I would be if I was to light myself on fire) in a puffer jacket. If I was stranded in an Antarctic blizzard and my only chance of survival was to don a puffer jacket, I would direct myself an Oscar-worthy freezing-to-death sequence. If I were aboard the Titanic, and puffer jackets doubled as flotation devices, I would enact an Oscar-unworthy (sorry Leo) freezing-to-death sequence.

It utterly baffles me that any self-respecting human being would willingly subject themselves to such masochistic torment and humiliation, as to be seen wearing a puffer jacket. They are quite literally the mutant spawn of sleeping bags, with the adaptive advantage of armholes.

After several interviews with the willing human hosts of these parasitic garments, the consistent excuse for their wear appears to be “they’re so warm.”

“Yes, but you look like a walking marshmallow.”

“But I’m SO warm.”

From the perspective of someone who grew up in Sydney, city of heat waves, it quite simply does not get cold enough here for it to be acceptable for one to parade about wearing bedding. Unless you’re on a ski trip, braving the frigid Dunedin winter for which not even half a litre of vodka could provide a sufficient beer blanket, or cosplaying the Michelin man, then please take whatever the cost of looking like an absolute prat your parents have offered to shell out for one and buy yourself a decent wool coat. Ruby has a rather lovely selection on their under $300 sale rack at the moment.

Alternate, less ridiculous-looking means of keeping oneself warm:

  1. Buy yourself a decent coat.
  2. Buy yourself a decent coat.
  3. Buy yourself a decent fucking coat.
  4. Wander about with several hot water bottles strapped to your person, ensuring that you top them up with hot water to remain toasty throughout the day.
  5. Do not leave your bed until September. Hibernate for the winter, have a pal record your lectures for you, order your groceries with special instructions to have them brought to your bedside.
  6. Cultivate a beard so immense that you are able to fashion a jumper from it, providing a convenient extra layer of insulation.
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