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August 16, 2015 | by  | in News |
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A Grand Ol’ Party: A Review

With the 2016 United States Presidential Elections to take place in early November, the competition for nomination is heating up in the Democratic and Republican primaries.

The Presidential Elections for Dummies (AKA anyone that doesn’t watch as much Aaron Sorkin as we do): Parties in the US have what’s called primary elections, which decide who will run for President on behalf of the party. As part of the primary races, Republican candidates are placed head to head in 12 debates in different parts of the US.

The first GOP debate took place on 6 August in the armpit of America: Cleveland, Ohio. It pitted various Republican candidates against each other in two different time slots, like a more racist version of American football.

The GOP—the Grand Ol’ Party, or for those of us who choose not to lie to ourselves continually, the Republicans—selected debate participants by averaging the results of five US national polls. The top ten were Donald “Xenophobe” Trump, Jeb “My Big Brother/Dad Got Me Here” Bush, Scott “Nobody Knows Where Wisconsin Is” Walker, Mike “I’m No Longer Relevant” Huckabee, Ben “Is This the Right Room?” Carson, Ted “I Was Born in Canada” Cruz, Marco “Attempting to Appeal to Minorities” Rubio, Rand “I’m the Only One Who Has a Chance” Paul, Chris “Pillsbury Doughboy Reincarnate” Christie, and John “Ohio is a Lame State” Kasich.

The candidates were questioned on a variety of topics including electability, immigration, terror and national security, ISIS, Obamacare and the role of the Federal government, how to appropriately sass Hillary Clinton, Social Security, the economy, the Iran Deal, whether women deserve basic human rights, gay marriage, religious liberty, the Black Lives Matter movement, foreign policy, and, of course, the military.

Performance Reviews, (Mainly) White Men Who Can’t


Finicky. Indecisive. Egocentric. Threatening to run as an independent if he doesn’t get the nomination—dude’s got some balls.

Quote of the evening: “The Mexican government is much smarter, much sharper, much more cunning. And they send the bad ones over because they don’t want to pay for them. They don’t want to take care of them.”

2/5. Trump, you did exactly what we expected you to do. You’re kind of predictable, average, and now a little boring. I feel like you’re filling out your 15 minutes of fame just to shake up the Republicans and make them sweat, and when things get serious you’ll duck out again like you did last time.


Sick nickname: Veto Corleone. Awful real name, though. Floridian, but that can be forgiven (the Texan brother cannot). Redeeming. Dopey sweetheart.

Quote of the evening: “In Florida, they called me Jeb, because I earned it.”

4/5. Jeb! You pleasantly surprised me! I expected so little from you, and in that regard I was rewarded. You seem like a sweetheart—but I say that timidly, because I know you’re still very much part of a political dynasty (plus, you have that awful habit of reminding people you live in Florida).


White. Cis. Hetero. Male. Tiring. Boring. Been there, done that, bought the t-shirt. He’s nothing new.

Quote of the evening: “Everywhere in the world Hillary Clinton touched is more messed up today than before she and the President [INAUDIBLE].”

1/5. You bore me so much. You are so stereotypically Republican and I’m over it. You are what would happen if a dudebro went into politics, and the only thing that could possibly make you an interesting contender was if that inaudible bit was something like, “fucked things over” or “dabbled in witchcraft”.


Christian campaign commercial. Into retirement planning. A toddler trapped in an old man’s body.

Quote of the evening: “We got nothing, and Iran gets everything they want.”

3/5. Of course one of your big policies is retirement planning; you’re old. You didn’t contribute too much else and I bet you were bored the whole time. Did you doze off? Finish a crossword puzzle? Guilt trip your grandchildren for not writing thank you cards? I hope you didn’t get drool on your sweater.


Lost neurosurgeon who accidentally wandered onto the political stage. Confused. Bad at foreign policy. Wants to redo the taxation system.

Quote of the evening: “And the one thing I’ve advocated is based on tithing, because I think God is a pretty fair guy.”

3/5 Just for trying. It’s very Mr Smith Goes to Washington of you. When I heard you were running, I laughed. It’s a shark tank out there and you’ll be gone soon enough. This political move is so Joe the Plumber of you—a little outdated. Good job on mentioning God though, that’s definitely going to win over some votes.

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