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August 9, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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Group Assignments

If there’s one thing I like better than receiving a grade for my work, it’s working twice as hard and having that grade diluted by three parts. Welcome to group assignments; buddy up and let’s begin.

We’ve learnt a lot from completing group assignments at uni. 5% the material, 5% how to work productively in a group, and 90% of how much we hate other people. Nothing can prepare you for those two words in the course outline, not even living in Vic House. (Wow, second paragraph, new record.) Firstly, because you don’t talk to people anymore, you’ve gotten far too used to the comfort of listening to a lecture to participate in an academic environment. Secondly, because everyone else is an idiot with nothing to offer you but stress and blue balls.

Having to listen to other people’s poorly thought-out ideas is an inefficient, uneconomical way of producing work, which takes up precious time and gives life to rubbish ideas to avoid the awkwardness of hurt feelings. Trying to schedule a time for a group meeting is a nightmare that breeds group chats containing enough passive-aggression messages to overload a Silicon Valley server farm. In the few hours before the presentation is due it’s time to combine everyone’s work together, only then realising that for some reason unknown to man, one of the guys uses Wordpad instead of Word and now is telling you it’s in “rich text” or whatever the hell that is. When it’s time to actually present the three minute long chop-shop of plagiarism, no one in your tut actually cares or listens, unless it’s your flatmate, and he’s got his cock out under table for only you to see.

For someone in the group, they have got a grade for not only doing all the work, but putting up with the other members who seem to do everything possible to stop you achieving this. For someone else in the group, they have also got the same grade for doing nothing. But hey, learning to cooperate with goons is important for anyone ever wanting to get a job after they leave uni. In the meantime, here is a list of some of the things we would rather be doing a group assignment with:

  • I’d rather be in a group with a jar of bees than the clowns I got paired with
  • I’d rather be in a group with an overripe banana than the clowns I got paired with
  • I’d rather be in a group with that fat kid off Up! than the clowns I got paired with
  • That should be enough

Hopefully we don’t see you in one of our groups.

Tom and Luke

P.S. Although group assignments suck don’t be that guy that does nothing.

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