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August 9, 2015 | by  | in Visual Arts |
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How to Improve Wellington’s Art Scene in 45 Simple Steps

  1. Write about art for your university magazine.
  2. Struggle to find anything to write about.
  3. Binge on canned peaches and stare into the void you have created through many years of poor sleep habits and a complete lack of time management.
  4. Go for a walk, be bored to tears.
  5. Also cry at the exclusivity of galleries and their wanky sounding exhibit names.
  6. Go to every wanky sounding exhibit there is and fart loudly.
  7. Go to every wanky sounding exhibit and scream loudly.
  8. Steps six and seven at the same time.
  9. Go to the opening of a wanky sounding exhibit and tell the artist they’re being too literal.
  10. Go to the opening of a wanky sounding exhibit and try to financially cripple “the man” by abusing the free booze. You’re a lightweight and already drunk from two glasses of wine; your attempt at “sticking it to the man” is less effective than you thought.
  11. Go to the opening of a wanky sounding exhibit and fight the artist.
  12. Open your own gallery only displaying your own artwork.
  13. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying it was the last piece painted by the artist before they passed away in a tragic but strange incident involving a hairbrush.
  14. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying a child painted it.
  15. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying a disabled elephant painted it.
  16. Validate the artwork in your gallery by saying it was part of the set of the 1997 film Flubber.
  17. Sink into a deep depression because the one person who won’t believe the false validation is yourself.
  18. Reopen the gallery under your own name.
  19. Artbros don’t come because there’s no wanky sounding name.
  20. Old rich white people don’t come because there’s no wanky sounding name.
  21. No one comes at all because the artist is still alive, it wasn’t painted by a child or a disabled animal nor was it part of the set of the 1997 movie Flubber.
  22. Convince yourself that all the greatest minds were never understood in their time; your art will be worth millions in 2420.
  23. Close your gallery and become a vigilante.
  24. Remove all the art out of other galleries and put them in public toilets.
  25. Remove all the art out of other galleries and put them on your mother’s coffee table.
  26. Remove all the art out of other galleries and put them in the path of oncoming traffic.
  27. Convert the now empty galleries to 24hr cinemas streaming Gilmore Girls.
  28. Make lifelong friendships with everyone else watching Gilmore Girls with you in defunct art spaces.
  29. Watch Gilmore Girls for 48 hours nonstop.
  30. Forget to sleep and forget to drink water during this time, hallucinate from malnutrition.
  31. Draw a self-portrait while you hallucinate and paste it on the notice board at New World.
  32. Scream at the New World manager when they tell you to take it down.
  33. Refuse to leave the supermarket and set a new standard for performance art.
  34. Bathe and brush your teeth with the mussels.
  35. Wash your clothes using bottles of water and dry them with warm rotisserie chickens.
  36. Become known as the Crazed But Polite Hermit of New World.
  37. Find a protege purchasing shaved ham. They will be your only point of contact to the outside world.
  38. Tell your protege to bring you several live tortoises.
  39. Put the tortoises in the pick n mix.
  40. Watch as grocery shoppers confuse gummy bears with tortoises.
  41. Record the entire thing on 8mm film and use intelligent dance music for the soundtrack.
  42. Enter your short film into Cannes.
  43. Win the Palme d’Or.
  44. Watch tourists flock to Wellington and New World, the place where The Tortoise and the Bear was filmed.
  45. Have a tourist ask you for the time. They have no idea who you are yet they flew all this way for your creation. The student has become the master and then reverted back to student. Life becomes art. Art becomes life. You cry. You have evoked emotion. Albeit in yourself, but emotion nonetheless. It’s the first profound experience of art anyone in this city has ever had. Congratulations, you have just improved Wellington’s art scene.
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