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August 2, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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Marking rubric

Dear friend,

Firstly we would like to thank you for taking the plunge into the world of literary excellence by contributing to the magnificent Salient. After all, the Letters section is the only thing after the Moan Zone that people enjoy reading. As second-year students—and thus vastly more experienced, cultured and attractive than you—we thought it only right that we should give you some feedback on your letter; we are all here to learn.

At uni, facts aren’t important. If you put a reference next to something, it is as good as right. However, in this case, let’s get a few things close to accurate.

We are too busy getting the A+ grades we have become accustomed to, to be drinking during study week. Like normal people, we drink on the weekend.

You earned marks for displaying your understanding of how loose we are. The reality is, though, we aren’t total alcoholics—and therefore we drink during the weekend with our friends. Or, as we like to call them, our fans.

We in fact live in an apartment uptown, you can keep your “Vic House” Hill. We are familiar with District 9, or as you probably call it, the intersection of Maurice Tce and The Terrace. But once again, here you have lost marks. We live in the posh end of the city—that’s what can happen if you write for the best uni magazine in NZ, eat all your vegetables and don’t mind blowing your inheritance on a small flat that experiences no direct sunlight all year.

If someone is openly and vocally against Vic House, that doesn’t make them Tom and Luke. It just makes them from a better hostel, like Te Puni, Joan’s or perhaps some cave in the middle of the Gobi Desert.

Like all assignment feedback from your student tutors, we aim to uplift you for your talent, criticise you for your immaturity, and put to bed that ever-present inkling “I feel like my tutor is kind of into me”.

Factual: 0/10—let’s go with “on the verge of slanderous”.
Length: 10/10—within the word limit.
Referencing: 5/10—a considerable lack of in-text referencing; however, you presented a good understanding of who we are.
Humour: 9/10—you were funny, something which our column is yet to achieve.

The search for us continues.

Your dude-bros,

Luke and Tom

P.S. Thanks for giving us something to write about this week. Talk soon x

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