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Scrumpy Apple Cider

Cost: $9.99
Alcohol Volume: 8.3%
Pairing: A generous helping of misanthropy, gin
Verdict: ★★★★ “This tastes like Sunday morning”.

We are all about the classics. Whether it’s Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” or One Direction before Zayn left, we’re all about it. So naturally, we jumped at the opportunity to review a classic Saturday night bevvy. When we say we jumped at the opportunity, we mean that we literally drink it every single week and we’re sick of making sacrifices for you.

Consistency is the key to binge drinking and cider has it by the bucketload. You could literally buy any brand of cider (remember to always check the percentage, kids) and it would taste the same. Maybe you’re incredibly late going to your friend’s house to watch YouTube videos for a few hours then go home via Burger King. Maybe you’re late for an actual party. Scrumpy doesn’t give a damn, my friend, it will be there for you. You can even leave it open for a day or two, it’s still good to go. Whether you actually do this probably says something about both your determination and your bank balance, but we’re not ones to pry.

Scrumpy is nothing to write home about it. It’s bubbly juice and it has alcohol in it. That being said, you can drink it from the bottle to avoid post-party dishes and even duct tape it to your hands for a great party trick (again, it depends on your determination). Let’s not beat around the bush; you know what Scrumpy tastes like. Some of you might even remember the old label or when it only came in one flavour. Vaguely acidic and reassuringly piss coloured, not much has changed since that time in first year when you decided you were too cool for RTDs. At some point you may have dabbled in a higher price-point cider. This was a mistake. Rekorderlig or Wild Side may try to sway you with their “actual fruit content” bullshit, but it’s a good rule of thumb to keep your cider experimentation to those that come in a plastic 1.25L bottle.

Like Sleepless in Seattle or 10 Things I Hate About You (yes, we’re lonely), Scrumpy is a classic. It’s not fancy, it doesn’t need to be. Now, sit back, sip back, and join us in pining for Zayn.

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening