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August 16, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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We Do Bro Science

Girls won’t know what Bro Science is, neither will guys who don’t lift (also known as girls). So for the rest of you who think we are ripping off “Gym-Bro-Dom Mazzetti”, we are, but in our own special way. Put on your Nikes and let’s go… Oh wait, you’re a uni student, you’re already in casual sneakers.

In most gyms you are likely to find “big-boned” people, extremely good looking people and an overpriced vending machine selling pretentious “super-foods”. On closer inspection, and with the help of David Attenborough, we found an array of other common sights—most of which we find annoying.

The Mail Man: Although the average workout takes about an hour, the lockers don’t seem to cut it for some people, who feel the need to take up valuable gym floor space with their enormous gym bag and 3L water bottle. The contents of the bag is a complete mystery, but you can bet your Chai Latte that they can do without having it at their feet for the entirety of their workout, along with their water bottle, which houses more H2O than Mozambique experiences during their dry-season.

The First Timer: Doing things by yourself is hard. Tom only went to PSYC101 if Luke was going (okay, I bet you are wondering who is typing right now). Going solo at the gym is no different. But most guys will respect that you are putting in the time and will leave you alone. That is unless you are in the middle of the gym floor, trying to lift twice your bodyweight with your elbows. So hit up YouTube and learn how work out in a way that is safe and sound.

Albert Einstein: It’s ironic that you go to the gym to do exercise but you’re too lazy to put the weights back in the same spot. Either this or you’re so intellectually challenged that you struggle to count up in twos, or match the number on the weight to the number written so clearly on the rack.

The Love Maker: The feeling you get when lifting weights is well worth attending the gym, but some people get a bit too much stimulation from doing so. There’s nothing more uncomfortable than standing next to someone that looks like they’re about to climax mid-set.

#ProgressionPic: Unless you’ve lost 100kg in two weeks, we don’t want to see your topless selfie accompanied by a ridiculous ensemble of hashtags. But since we are all about helping you out, we have prepared some hashtags that you can use if you ever feel like being a “tool”. Here they are:  #fitspo #summershredding #progress #doyouevenlift #motivation #noteventensing (make sure you include the winky face for bonus douchebag points).

See you at our next leg workout,

Tom and Luke

P.S. We’re joking, we don’t train legs.
(Luke does, but you can’t tell.)

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening