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August 9, 2015 | by  | in Fashion |
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What to do when your boy toy dresses like shit

Ancient proverb: Straight* boys dress like randomised Sims.

I am currently (as of a week before time of print) seeing a guy who dresses uncannily like a suburban dad, but not in the ironic, “bespectacled and bearded with appreciation of craft beer” sense; more in the “closer to 30 than 20 and dressing age appropriate” sense. My flatmate’s boyfriend is into “loud cardigans”, not to mention loud ties, loud shirts, and the occasional deafening (more accurately “blinding”) combination of a number of these.

Look around yourself, observe the wildlife—soak in the bucket hats, Nike slides and weird clashing prints that lead you to wonder if the individual in question dressed themselves in the dark. In what realm do any of these ever rationally seem like a good idea?

How to prevent this:

Option #1: Exclusively date architecture/design students. (This worked for me for the entire first half of my degree.)

Option #2: Prepare for the marital ritual of throwing your husband’s clothes off the balcony—fling every single item of your male counterpart’s clothing you deem unacceptable to be worn in public out of a nearby window. (This has actually been a successful venture in 1/1 road tests.)

Option #3/4: 


Subtly suggest that perhaps instead of wearing [insert offensive item of clothing] they replace it with [insert inoffensive item of clothing that won’t scare them but will significantly improve their aesthetic]. Repeat until you’ve weeded out the worst of it.


If the pragmatic method is unsuccessful, nail a bottle of wine each and convince them to spend the remainder of their course-related costs on the Stolen Girlfriends Club/Zambesi A/W men’s sale sections (the sale aspect is vital as these items are non-refundable, so they can’t soberly return them).

Option #5: Accept the fact that boys are gross, suck it up and deal. Or “stop being horrible, he is an adult and has the human right to choose his own clothing”, as aforementioned flatmate so eloquently put it (she is wrong, nobody who is not a member of Fall Out Boy is allowed to wear white jeans, okay).

*Disclaimer: This is in no way intended as heteronormative and this advice can be applied to any significant other and/or general dating human whom you feel dresses in a manner which cramps your vibe.

Further disclaimer: No fragile male egos were harmed in the process of writing this column.

P.S. After having read this, said offending white jeans have been retired—there is hope for even the most dire stylistic mishaps. (Possible blow to fragile male ego may, however, have been sustained in the progress.)

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