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September 13, 2015 | by  | in The Moan Zone |
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It’s okay, we’re safe now

Last week when half of New Zealand was whingeing about how we don’t need a new flag, and the other was touching themselves to a photo of the proposed-but-not-proposed Red Peak design, something tragic happened. A Salient issue washed up without a Moan Zone. The world stood still.

Like many a Syrian refugee, we were far away from home, with little chance of ever returning. The locationHanoi, Vietnam (for people in Vic House, that’s in Asia). The weather, moist. The ladies, masculine.

After all the money VUWSA gives us for our weekly literary contribution, we simply had to spend some of it on a holiday. So while all of you first-years got to Instagram your home town and the friends that you never contact and think you are better than, we got lost in a country with 90 million people. If you’re a regular subscriber, you will know we are fairly arrogant but still better-looking and more intelligent than most people. To our surprise, this attitude didn’t pay off.

After three bottles of snake-infested rice wine, we went on an adventure which resulted in us waking up to what could have been The Hangover Part 4 (which still would have been a better film than parts 2 and 3 combinedeven with a surprise appearance from Hillary Duff). We woke up in what looked like a jungle. We had no idea that in the early hours of the morning we had boarded a boat and eventually swam to one of the 2000 floating islands which make up Ha Long Bay.

Tom was naked from the waist down, apart from one shoe on his left foot. Luke, on the other hand, was wearing no shoes, but he did have on a Vietnamese dress. It was safe to say that we were in trouble. We had managed to get from Hanoi to Ha Long Bay, one of the seven natural wonders of the world, without being able to recall anything from the previous evening.

A long story short—Vietnam looks a lot better when you can see straight. The rest of the week consisted of trying to attain new passports so we could fly home, which caused us to miss the deadline for Salient last week, resulting in the sadness of many of our beloved fansbut at least it gave us something to write about this week.

Always use the tour guide provided,

Luke and Tom

P.S. A few disclosures: VUWSA only pays us in left-wing propaganda and invites to the Women in Philosophy meetings; Luke went to Vietnam with his Nana not Tom. As the brighter ones would have guessed this makes the above story complete bullshit, something that we’ve mastered over the past year and a half at uni.

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Ten things I wish my friends knew about being Māori

: 1). I wish my friends knew that when they ask me what “percentage” of Māori I am—half, quarter, or eighth—they make me feel like a human pie chart. I don’t know how people can ask this so nonchalantly, but they do. So I want to let you know: this is a very threatening