Cost: Friendship is free
Alcohol Volume: 4.8% (1.3 standard drinks)
Pairing: Red Peak
Verdict: ★★ “I like it as much as I like Jeremy Corbyn. In theory, but not in practice.”
In an unusual turn of events, we actually conducted this review while at a party attended by real people, instead of drinking on a weeknight while watching conspiracy theory videos on YouTube. For that, as well as finishing the entire can of this bogan-lite disaster, we deserve the highest praise.
For what was a throwback to high school for one reviewer, Jim Beam with Zero Sugar Cola is an uncomfortable reminder of that boyfriend you went to your school ball with but grew apart from when you started university. Much like that boyfriend, this drink was slightly sticky, totally classless, and finished the night with several different lipstick smears on its person. It seems to be a recurring theme for us than any sugary drink reminds us of high school. We like to think that this fact is both an indicator of a youth well-spent and an effective personal brand shift upon entering tertiary education.
If you’ve ever have the misfortune of drinking those $1 cola cans from the dairy then you already know what this tastes like. It has no sugar, which is probably a plus if you’re a person who likes “Sugar Free Mum” on Facebook, but if that’s the case then you almost certainly shouldn’t be drinking Jim Beam in the first place. If that’s the case, you also have no business reading this review and we would kindly appreciate you getting in the sea. We’re not here for any clean-eating bullshit.
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If this drink is, as it claims, the “world’s number one bourbon”, I never want to have bourbon in my life ever again. While Jim Beam with Zero Sugar Cola might seem more reliable than your pre-university boyfriend, we would suggest you extend your horizons as just because you can have something, it doesn’t mean it’s good for you.
With an election and referendum in the wind, we suggest two courses of action to survive this week. Firstly, stock up on some supplies, just don’t fall for the bad bourbon mixed with dishing washing liquid-flavoured cola trap. Secondly, if you vote to retain NZUSA in the referendum, we’ll review French champagne next week to celebrate.