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October 11, 2015 | by  | in Ask Agatha |
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Ask Agatha

Hey Agatha,

My neighbours on my floor are obsessed with Beyoncé. I have had it up to fucking here with “Halo”, “Drunk in Love” and “Single Ladies”. All they do when we drink together is set up their laptop to play YouTube music videos and dance in front it like Regina George’s little sister in Mean Girls. Why can’t we jam to some other music? Why do we have to practice that STUPID single ladies dance every Saturday night? What can I do to figuratively cattle prod them out of this behaviour?

Beyoncé Basher

Hi there BB,

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if you’re anti-Beyoncé, you’re basically a terrorist. So I mean you may as well roll with being the villain of the group. The modern basic bitch will always turn on those who are anti-yoncé at the first sign of trouble. If you and your friends were all in a lifeboat that was over crowded, they would push you over the edge and hold your head under water while chanting “surfbort”.

So you should really just take control of the situation yourself and tip your friends’ Park Lanes over their Macbook Pros to drown their basic bitch anthems.

They hate you already on some level, so just do it.

Agatha.

***

Hi Agatha,

There’s this guy I like and he seems to be really cool on the outside, like he knows how to dress and we have some really great shared interests, but he is low key misogynistic. Also I feel like he is expecting sex in return for like buying me a frigging coffee. What do you think about this guy?

Confused Consuela.

Hey CC,

So some guys wear fedoras on the outside and are easy to spot on the bus spreading their legs out over two seats. Other guys wear their fedoras on the inside, they have a fed-aura. These are the guys that walk the street looking like perfectly normal human beings and maybe even have interesting jobs or play an exotic sport. Yet they can still act like some sort of internet troll when you don’t worship them like a god for opening a fucking door for you.

I think you should just run for the hills. You can’t help someone with a fed-aura, it’s a terminal illness where they have to live with chronic wanker-dom.

Ditch. You’ll thank me later.

Agatha

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