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October 4, 2015 | by  | in Ask Agatha |
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Ask Agatha

Hey Agatha, this guy that I used to get with back in the day and had a full on fling with keeps sending me random, and unsolicited dick pics out of the blue. How can I stop the barrage of bratwurst coming into my inbox?

-Sick of Sausage

Hey SS,

First of all, that guy is a cunt for berating you with dick pics. Also, if it gets to be too much, you can take some serious action.

Now I’m not saying I hate dick pics; a well-timed dick pic is as beautiful as a spring time daffodil. Only meatier. But an out of the blue dick pic is as shocking as walking in on your flatmate masturbating—you see more than you bargained for and you just feel embarrassed for everyone involved. So if you want him to stop all together, you should either tell him clearly that you don’t want any more. Or you could be creative and say that if he sends you another one you’ll take it as an invitation to insert his dick into a paper shredder.

However, maybe you’re like me and you never really want the gravy train of sneaky nudes to stop, but to simply be on your terms.

The first rule of keeping someone on side with sending sneaky nudes is that you never screenshot. Jesus never got tit pics from Mary Magdalene by screenshot-ing them to show his disciples. I think that’s how that parable goes.

Secondly, you should use conditioning methods to shape his behaviour. Praise him when you get a saus-snap that you requested and show disgust/punish him when you get an unsolicited one. Try sending some grotesque boner-killer Snapchat in response. May I suggest a birthing video (animal or human) or a cyst lancing.

Good luck with your behavioural shaping,

Agatha

***

Dear Agatha,

I have a Tinder date coming up and I’m so excited because we are compatible star signs. I want to find a way to work it into the conversation. I mean, I figure it’s a good talking point and it lets her know that we could last the distance. Or do you think that would be a bit much?

Gregarious Gemini

Hey GG,

Well… it’s a memorable move. However, if anyone seriously brings up star signs in my presence, I usually roll my eyes so hard that they pop out of my head. Maybe you can make a statement by other means. Perhaps a really cool hat, or a large belt buckle. Any form of peacocking really. I feel like that’s on par with star sign chat.

Good luck with your date, I hope the stars align.

Agatha

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