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It has reached the stage in the trimester where you are a mere burnt soy latte away from a full-scale meltdown. Every aspect of your existence is going up in flames around you and you’re sort of just sitting there muttering “this is fine, everything is absolutely fine” to your trusty companions, Fourth Glass of Wine and Unfinished Essay Due Tomorrow. You are in a such a perpetual state of sleep deprivation that your under-eye circles have become part of your facial structure, catching up the four weeks of missed 9am lectures in the two days before your assignment is due seems totally reasonable, your editor is having to bribe you with free wine to submit anything, your relationship status can be described as “she just has sex with me so she can write mean things about me in Salient”, and you haven’t been grocery shopping for about two weeks because you stress-/drunk-bought a $400 ball dress this week, despite having zero intention of attending a ball at any point in the near future. (You don’t understand, it was on sale in my size…)
Your physical and mental health may be shot to bits, but your aesthetic doesn’t have to be. You can still have your third nervous breakdown of the week whilst immaculately dressed; it does not need to be done in the same shirt you’ve been sleeping in for the past week.
Exam period dress etiquette:
- Under no circumstances whatsoever be seen DEAD in sweats at uni. Love yourself. You are better than this.
- Max. two coffee stains allowed on any one item of clothing before you should probably cease wearing and wash it (unless it is black, in which case you are welcome to bathe fully clothed in coffee grounds and nobody will ever know).
- Have your eyeliner and filled-in brows tattooed on to avoid looking as though you’ve re-enacted Jenna Marbles’ drunk makeup tutorial after a 48 hour essay-writing bender.
- Sleep fully made up with wet hair every night and call it “smoky eyes”, and “beachy waves” to capitalise on beauty sleep (perhaps invest in bedding that isn’t white to avoid a full-face imprint..)
- Avoid being the wanker wandering about in an animal onesie—NOBODY is that tired.
- If you’ve not slept for 48 hours and look like it an extra from The Walking Dead, slather bright lipstick on and hope for the best.
Author’s note: When your mother calls you to yell at you for buying the Jeffrey Campbell platform Timberlands she saw on your Instagram instead of groceries, you know you’ve hit rock bottom.