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Moët & Chandon

Cost: Quality journalism
Alcohol Volume: 12%
Pairing: Blood of the workers
Verdict: ★★★—“Not rank.”

So a while ago, someone inexplicably dropped a bottle of Moët at the Salient office for us. For reasons related to crushing class anxiety, loyalty to Lindauer and drunk forgetfulness, it’s been sitting in Mitch’s room for roughly four months. In our last column we promised to drink it if VUWSA retained NZUSA membership and well, fuck me dead, here we are. Just to be clear, we’re very pleased at the outcome of the vote and also the ample opportunity it provides for us to make desperate champagne socialism jokes. What a blessing.

Moët is quite expensive and also does some pretty heavy social signalling work (see: @maxkey_) that makes us a little uncomfortable. Having worked hard to cultivate an image of piss-swilling layabouts, we tried to offset the sociological consequences of Moët by drinking it from plastic cups and maybe mixing in a little bit of Red Bull. Whether that had the intended effect, or just made us look like the self-involved twats we are, is up for debate.

While knocking back cups of this bourgeois incarnation of Lindauer, we were overtaken by our crippling anti-capitalist fervour. As unqualified but obnoxiously serious booze reviewers, we resolved that while we were grateful for this bottle of expensive Mountain Dew, rich people are bullshit. Our conclusion was backed up by a very popular Twitter post in the following days, which proclaimed that it “tastes like cat pee smells”. Other assessments ranged from “fizzy” to “dry, but not in a way that I’m offended”. We’d be a little more forgiving because it was actually fairly nice, but we couldn’t taste the $50 difference and neither can you.

Moët is a fun jaunt, sure. It’s more than acceptable to drink some on Christmas, steal it from your parents, or have a bottle that you refill with Passion Pop for Instagram posts. But at the end of the day, we think what everyday New Zealanders really want is cheap bubbles, not fizzy status symbols.

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