The sad reality of university life is that many of us will be faced with disappointing sex. You go to town looking damn fine, meet a hottie and go home with them, expect to have a good shag, but spend the entire time thinking about how completely shit this is and wondering when it will be over.
That’s the problem with one-night stands—you can never guarantee you’ll get a good fuck. Mostly it’s 3–10 minutes of “oh dear lord”, then rolling over and pretending to sleep, and hopefully forgetting the whole experience due to the drunken stupor that got you into this mess in the first place. Even though no one would blame you for stopping mid-sex and saying it’s just not gonna work out tonight (or ever), what normally happens is we just ride that dick till the sticky end. After all, dealing with someone’s awkwardly moving pelvis for less than an hour is a lot less awkward than confessing you hate being naked with them.
There’s a definite thought process that comes with bad sex. The internal monologue you develop while getting jack-hammered is an interesting chance to lie back, reflect on all of your life choices, and try to ignore the smell of sexy-sweaty-condom that is radiating around you.
With the help of some trusted sexual deviants, I decided to compile a list of the thought train that comes with bad sex.
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- Okay, so we’re skipping the foreplay? Yup, It’s already in. I think. Or is that a finger? What the fuck is happening?
- Well, this is different. Is this normal? I feel like this isn’t normal.
- Are you sure you know where my vagina is? WHOA, BUDDY. NOT THERE.
- NO TEETH. NO TEETH PLEASE. OH MY GOD SHE’S USING HER TEETH WHAT IS THAT?!
- I wonder how my boobs look right now? Probably all floppy and weird.
- Missionary still? Are you sure you don’t want any sprinkles with all that vanilla champ?
- Do not be a dead fish. Do not be a dead fish. Do not be a dead fish.
- I think my vagina just shrivelled up. Seriously, what was that?
- AAAAAAND she’s starfishing again. Holla at ya girl, you got moves.
- Jesus are they okay? Was that a moan, or a dying animal in a blender?
- Where did they learn this? Is this a porn thing? Please don’t be a porn thing.
- I might fart. I definitely won’t be able to come if I’m trying not to fart.
- My cat is watching me.
- Fanny fart. Kill me now.