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October 11, 2015 | by  | in Fashion |
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Tragic Trends of 2015—a year in retrospect

Visual crimes I witnessed this year but ran out of Salient issues to individually dissect so had to compact into a single slander-fest:

Activewear in non-active contexts/“doing literally nothing in my activewear” (I hope you all get the reference)

Leggings as pants are horrendous enough, let alone leggings specifically designed to be worn during exercise and thus made of that horrible spandex stuff as pants. It feels almost comparable to wearing pyjamas in public? There is a time and a place for everything (except perhaps shirts with memes on them) and activewear outside of the gym is simply not acceptable.

You truly do not have to wander about looking like a soccer mom, complete with visor, puffer vest and a soy cappuccino for everyone to know you shop at lululemon, you could just Instagram your #fitspo #lululemon #summerbod gym expedition like a normal person.

*Disclaimer: I am possibly not an expert on exercise attire as I have never in my life owned any form of activewear. My parents have had a gym in their house for the past 12 years and I have used it once. If I were to want to do physical activity, it would have to be in 5 inch platform sneakers.

Puffer vests

Possibly worse than puffer jackets, because your arms are still exposed, defeating the purpose of looking like a human marshmallow because you aren’t even being kept that toasty (I am hilarious).

Nike sneakers

I realise that this is a rampantly unpopular opinion but why are shoes which really should be banished exclusively to the realms of sporting attire being worn on a casual basis (says the girl wearing 6 inch heels on a casual basis)??? #1 way to ruin a cute outfit is to pair it with an ugly as fuck pair of chunky white sneakers?? Nike Huaraches are quite literally the most hideous shoes I have ever seen in my entire life, with the exception of Crocs. Why do you hate yourselves?

The death of the septum

Something that used to be super edgy and subversive which has been dragged into the mainstream and utterly slandered. Even last year, if one had a septum piercing, they used to be able to wear absolutely anything, even pyjama pants and flip flops, and still look really ridiculously cool, but now every fifteen year old with a passable feigned parental consent note has one. Next thing you know Equip will be stocking them and my gran will be calling me to ask how they work and if she is too old for one (I wish I was joking—she has already done so concerning metallic temporary tattoos and ear cuffs). Septum piercings have grown so overdone and tired that they’ve become almost totally devoid of their initial cool—they are the new pink hair. I literally know a couple who just got his-and-hers septum piercings; if that doesn’t demarcate the loss of hipster cred, I don’t know what does.

*Disclaimer—I may be the tiniest bit salty that they look totally ridiculous on me and that I will never be able to truly reach my art hoe potential.

T-shirt dresses/shift dresses

They are literally shapeless sack-like rectangles with arm holes.

Massively overdrawn lips/attempts to emulate Kylie Jenner’s cosmetic surgery with lip liner

I am 180% for the power of makeup but if you have to draw on a facial feature, you probably weren’t supposed to have aforementioned facial feature.

“Basic” uniform

The ubiquitous striped shirt, leather-look jeans and Nike Roshe combination (see prior rant) which clearly communicates to onlookers that you have absolutely no sense of individuality, especially when you travel in a posse wearing identical outfits (acceptable only if you are in a girl band).

Karen Walker Super Fine rings

The KW Super Fine series is so exquisitely, painfully passé. If you are able to play Karen Walker bingo with your best friend, flatmates, ex-boyfriend’s new girlfriend and five other girls in your tutorial because you’re all wearing the same five rings, you may be doing something wrong. Meadowlark, Stolen Girlfriends Club, Zoe & Morgan and Nick Von K all have similar sized/style rings, branch out! Explore the outer limits of your own individual identity, dare to wear jewellery that hasn’t been validated by the fact that 100,000 other people own the same piece.

Top knots/man buns

Unless you have the chiselled jawline of a Greek god, this is an absolutely terrible look. Also the fact that one can purchase a clip-on hair extension man bun from ASOS suggests that they have well and truly been and gone.

Flares

WHY ARE THESE COMING BACK?! Kindly remain in the seventies, where you belong, to serve as a reminder of the negative repercussion of taking excessive quantities of hallucinogenic substances then dressing yourself.

Five panels

*insert drawn-out non-verbal expression of distaste*

White jeans

As soon as I wrote a column on these, I started noticing them everywhere. How does one even keep these clean? Would you have to carry household bleach in a spray bottle to ensure you didn’t tarnish the pristine white-ness every time you sat down?

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