It is not hard to be single when you’re incredibly picky and incredibly shallow and have very little to offer in return. It is hard to be enthused about your studies when you’re super lazy, have a five minute attention span, and completely lack any sense of drive. And so the year stretches predictably out ahead—the creepy unrequited crushes that you will foster so fondly, the absolute cluelessness with which you’ll approach university, the social outings where you will third and fifth wheel wishing you were home instead, and being at home wishing you had gone out to third or fifth wheel instead. It’s enough to make you sigh. Sigh.
If only you could return to summer and to the whirlwind romance it had brought. There was only one hot customer at the organic supermarket, and on a cloudy Christchurch morning you consummated your love in the dried fruit aisle. ‘Consummated’ here, being a very loose term. While skillfully restocking the desiccated coconut he turned into the aisle, and you turned the complete opposite of desiccated. That is, you were very wet. ‘Wet’ here as in sexual fluids arising from the sight of him, and knowing you, probably a bit of sweat too. He was ridiculously good looking and clearly out of your league. Amongst the supermarket’s usual hordes of rich forty-year old white women, he was a seven upgraded to a nine.
“Hey,” he said. “Hey,” you said. The sexual tension could have been cut with an ethically sourced, Fairtrade labour-welded knife. “Just looking for some coconut,” he said, eagerly continuing the conversation. Ah, you thought. I know what you mean, “coconut” … “oh yup,” you replied, in a voice that was sadly higher than expected. “We’ve got coconut chips, and fine and shredded coconut too.” Nice. Very smooth. “Cool,” he said, and reached for a bag of the coconut chips. At 50cm apart, you had never been this close before—for an employee-customer relationship; this was at least second base. You could have taken one step and licked his face. You didn’t, of course. You just looked at him. He didn’t look back. It was truly the greatest romance our generation has ever seen.
So, think not of how hard it is to meet new people, think not of the absolute bleakness of your realistic romantic prospects, and think instead of Hot Coconut Chip Man—his dreamy eyes, the carefree way that he would hand over his eftpos card. Yes, with his really hot spirit to guide you, 2016 will be Your Year. Your thesis will be amazing. Your love life will be amazing. Your ability to blindly hope for things while not actually doing much to change things will be amazing.
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