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March 13, 2016 | by  | in Features |
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YOU ARE WHAT YOU DREAM ABOUT

Are you often left wondering what your dreams mean, and if they could provide guidance in your real life? Use the following chart to see which archetypal dream yours fits into, and unlock the secrets hidden in your REM sleep cycles:

Pregnancy

To dream that you are with child signals destruction, chaos, and insane depression. Every single aspect of your life is going to go very, very wrong very, very quickly and there is absolutely nothing you can do about it. Much like your dream infant, you are going to be crying, soiling your pants, and sitting in your own poo for long periods of time. The uglier your dream baby is, the worse things will be for you. Sorry.

Loss of Body Part(s)

The meaning of such a dream varies with the body part that is lost. Loss of teeth indicates a surprise visit from your grandparents. Loss of hair signals that your flatmates are getting very annoyed at you for not unclogging the shower drain. If you are losing fingers, you should be more careful when chopping vegetables while simultaneously drooling over Masterchef contestants on TV; while the loss of complete limbs signals that you are really messed up and you should question the sort of movies you’ve been getting into recently.

Public Nudity Dream

To dream of being naked in a public setting—be it at school, an important event or just going outside—has a twofold interpretation. A phrase to keep in mind after having such a dream is “scared shitless.” The dream indicates that you are currently going through a time of anxiety, and also of constipation. You have been denying that there is something in your life that is causing you great stress—perhaps a toxic relationship or lack of professional progress. It is important you accept this and move towards change. You should also look into laxative teas, and upping your fibre intake.

Faceless Sex

The aftereffects of dreaming of sex with an unidentifiable figure are much like real sex with an unidentifiable figure—completely dependent on whether or not the sex was good. If you had a good time with your mysterious dream lover, you will continue to seek them out in future dreams, dream texting them only to be dream ghosted. If the sex was bad, then the regret will hang over you for several more dreams, and you will receive several dream texts from them like, “hey, had fun last night what are you doing tomorrow,” “sorry I think my phone’s broken? Anyway what’s up” and “I think I left my Snapper card at yours?”

Moore Wilson’s Sex Dream

You can only live so long in Wellington before you inevitably have a sex dream about a Moore Wilson’s employee. To dream about having coitus with an aproned staff member at everyone’s favourite fancy-pants supermarket should signal to you that your efforts at replacing lack of sex with overpriced food is going very well and that you should keep it up. The dream may also suggest you need to get more soy milk.

Sex Dream About Yourself

You would think that dreaming of making love to yourself symbolises narcissism, self-indulgence, and vanity. You are right. After all, you are always right since you are just so insightful and observant. Not to mention really hot, hilarious, charming, and you always smell good. You are truly too good for anyone else. If dreams could become reality, you would have married yourself by now.

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